Things That Don’t Work

Here is my definitive list of things that don’t work:

• Inserting your left and right orthotic inserts in the opposite shoes
• Scheduling anything other than watching the Cats/Griz football game on the day they have their annual matchup 
• All the “sure-fire” methods for easily removing pomegranate seeds you watch on YouTube
• Bumper jacks
• Marrying anyone other than your best friend
• Hotel room TV remotes
• The flashlight found in your junk drawer
• Fudging a few numbers when you balance your checking account

—Mitchell Hegman