Perpendicular

Long before I landed in my career as an electrician, I danced through a host of other jobs, including a stint at a local department store. While there, I had the good fortune of being responsible for the toy department, which fit me beautifully. My boss, however, walked with a waddle and said strange things to me. Often, he would stop by just to say, “Everybody loves a duck, Mitch.”

He was my boss, so I never tried to get to the bottom of that.

Years later, I got even in my own fashion. The sprinkler fitter foreman on a big commercial job proved an apt target. He was nearly too friendly and an obvious drug abuser. I liked him a lot. He smoked a pipe, which refused to stay lit for him, and he stared at the wood-framed walls for an inordinately long time before drilling the holes required for his system. I often strode right up to him just to say “perpendicular” with raised eyes before briskly walking away in silence.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Peckish Pirates Complete

We finished our quirky Peckish Pirates puzzle. Toward the end, Desiree fell into something strikingly near an obsession to finish piecing it together, which gave me ample room to sip on a single-malt Scotch and throw a piece in now and then.

I must admit, I enjoyed the mental steeplechase the puzzle put us through with all of its unique features. And once we had the puzzle fully assembled, we opened a sealed package and tackled a second round with puzzle magic.

Good stuff, that!

I won’t divulge details on the second round with The Peckish Pirates. It’s a scoundrel-of-the-seas secret. But I can share a photograph of the puzzle before we applied the magic and a photograph of the unopened magic packet.

Finished Puzzle

Magic Package

—Mitchell Hegman

The Uncharged Battery Thing

I hope there is a place reserved in hell for people who don’t recharge cordless tool batteries when they run them down. And I hope it’s a place where everyone desperately needs to go to the bathroom but finds themselves stuck for eternity negotiating a series of intersections where nobody uses their turn signal.

—Mitchell Hegman

Puzzle Update

I have an update on the puzzle we are working on. It’s titled The Peckish Pirates. When you piece the entire thing together, you are charged with opening up a second package for some additional “magic” to be applied.

Putting the thing together is, I hazard to say it, puzzling. First, we had six corner pieces. Once you get in a bit deeper, you discover that the inside is filled with edge pieces. Also, there is a series of three sets of three pieces that can be interchanged (incorrectly) at three waterfalls within the puzzle. Finally, the box says the puzzle will measure 28 x 21 inches, but it appears to be closer to 28 x 19 inches.

I am posting a photograph of the three interchangeable sections and another photograph showing our progress to date.

In the event you plan on doing this puzzle yourself, I will not divulge anything more about the puzzle, other than a final photograph before we apply the magic.

Three Matching Sections

The Puzzle to Date

—Mitchell Hegman

Prepared to Fill my Hands

Billy’s longhorn cattle have been busting out of their fence and trying, on occasion, to put a sneak on our yard to eat the good stuff Desiree has been tending there. The answer to that, naturally, is to go full-frontal Western.

I now have my trusty Red Ryder air rifle stationed at the front door. If the longhorns plod near my yard, I fill my hands, storm out the door, and shoot the cattle in the ass.

It’s impressive how quickly a few well-placed shots persuade the longhorns to pivot to a new direction.

My Red Ryder Air Rifle

—Mitchell Hegman

Pale Juniper

As an electrician, I made a career out of calling attention to stuff that bothered me. In the construction industry, electricians are known for being, shall we say, persnickety. Apparently, this trait has chased along into my retirement.

Stuff is still bothering me.

Today we need to chat about pale junipers because they have been bothering me for quite some time. Here’s the thing: in theory, we have only one type of juniper tree growing in our region, the Rocky Mountain juniper. But on my property, I have several junipers that are pale green compared to the vast majority. The bark on the young branches is even slightly lighter in color.

Explain that, please.

I sent AI a couple of photographs comparing the pale juniper to others, and then we engaged in a lengthy discussion. In the long run, we both figure the pale junipers are the same species, but the pale types have a slight genetic kink. In my way of thinking, it’s equivalent to humans with blonde hair and blue eyes compared to brunettes with brown eyes. Both still have car payments, dirty dishes in the sink, an aversion to cold weather, and are otherwise human.

I’m a little less bothered now, but the electrician in me will never fully let go.

I have posted a photograph of two junipers growing side-by-side, with the pale juniper on the left. In person, the contrast is striking.

Junipers Growing Side-By-Side

—Mitchell Hegman

The Rocky Mountain Papaya

Papaya trees are botanical oddballs. For starters, they aren't really trees. They are giant herbs pretending to be trees, capable of reaching 30 feet on a soft, somewhat hollow trunk. They cluster enormous leaves at the top while the fruit grows directly from the trunk, as though the plant forgot to grow branches and decided to improvise. They are also in a hurry, sprinting from seed to producing fruit in about a year.

Papayas also have an unusual reproductive arrangement. Individual plants can be male, female, or hermaphroditic, with some capable of pollinating themselves. Unfortunately, papayas have zero interest in challenging a windblown Montana winter. Papayas crave heat, sunshine, and tropical conditions.

Now, the strange thing: Desiree sliced open a papaya a few days ago and stuffed a few sections with seeds intact in the refrigerator. When I grabbed a slice for a snack, I discovered that one of the seeds had germinated, pushing forth a miniature tusk of a thing.

I think it likes Montana.

I put the sprout in a bowl with a wet paper towel for a bed. I’m considering giving the papaya a run in the sunroom if it doesn’t perish.

Germinating Papaya Seed

Full-Grown Papaya (Wikifarmer)

—Mitchell Hegman