Touchscreen Technology

On a drive into town, I decided I wanted a jazzier display on the car’s touchscreen. That’s when it occurred to me that the inventors of this technology failed to consider people like me. It’s not that I struggle to manage the screen or have allowed it to intimidate me. The problem is more profound than that. I’m a kid from East Helena, Montana, and I typically wash my hands only when my mom tells me to. And she has not been available to admonish me for a long time.

So, for me, I’m often working with smearscreen technology.

—Mitchell Hegman

Late Bloomer

As a Montana native, I’m prepared for the weather to yank me out of summer and flop me directly into a snowbank at any given moment. As a matter of survival, I have a coat stashed away in my car and truck at all times.

Plants, on the other hand, face all of this harsh weather treatment shirtless and with their pants pulled down.

This is not always a winning strategy.

So, a week ago, here at the ragged end of fall, I discovered that one of the native soapweed yucca plants in my yard had shot forth a flower spike with an array of flowers preparing to bloom.

A little late, pal.

Flowering is a June activity for yucca. A bloom stalk appearing in early October is therefore a botanical curveball. I’m not sure how to explain it. We have been unusually mild this fall. I'm wondering if this has somehow fooled the plant in some manner.

I’m sharing a photograph of the yucca. Given our upcoming cold, I wonder how far the flowers will develop before the entire collection of us is flung into a snowbank.

Late Fall Yucca Flower

—Mitchell Hegman

Mitch Altered

Social media is now awash with better versions of everyday folks. Thanks to AI, you can ship your photo off through the mysterious blue tubes and have it altered to your preferences.

Question.

Why not me?

The other day I grabbed a photo (electronically speaking) and handed it off to ChatGPT with firm instructions to “make me handsome.” That’s quite a cliff to climb, I realize, but ChatGPT made a valiant effort by removing wrinkles and giving me a tan.

Desiree also took a run at handsoming me up with an app on her droid. Apparently, that application deemed a mean-looking version of me would be more attractive.

As it stands, I think I’ll stick with the features I inherited from the thousands of years of questionable selective breeding and occasional bouts of heavy drinking.

I’ve posted my original photo along with the altered versions.

—Mitchell Hegman

Perpendicular

Long before I landed in my career as an electrician, I danced through a host of other jobs, including a stint at a local department store. While there, I had the good fortune of being responsible for the toy department, which fit me beautifully. My boss, however, walked with a waddle and said strange things to me. Often, he would stop by just to say, “Everybody loves a duck, Mitch.”

He was my boss, so I never tried to get to the bottom of that.

Years later, I got even in my own fashion. The sprinkler fitter foreman on a big commercial job proved an apt target. He was nearly too friendly and an obvious drug abuser. I liked him a lot. He smoked a pipe, which refused to stay lit for him, and he stared at the wood-framed walls for an inordinately long time before drilling the holes required for his system. I often strode right up to him just to say “perpendicular” with raised eyes before briskly walking away in silence.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Peckish Pirates Complete

We finished our quirky Peckish Pirates puzzle. Toward the end, Desiree fell into something strikingly near an obsession to finish piecing it together, which gave me ample room to sip on a single-malt Scotch and throw a piece in now and then.

I must admit, I enjoyed the mental steeplechase the puzzle put us through with all of its unique features. And once we had the puzzle fully assembled, we opened a sealed package and tackled a second round with puzzle magic.

Good stuff, that!

I won’t divulge details on the second round with The Peckish Pirates. It’s a scoundrel-of-the-seas secret. But I can share a photograph of the puzzle before we applied the magic and a photograph of the unopened magic packet.

Finished Puzzle

Magic Package

—Mitchell Hegman

The Uncharged Battery Thing

I hope there is a place reserved in hell for people who don’t recharge cordless tool batteries when they run them down. And I hope it’s a place where everyone desperately needs to go to the bathroom but finds themselves stuck for eternity negotiating a series of intersections where nobody uses their turn signal.

—Mitchell Hegman

Puzzle Update

I have an update on the puzzle we are working on. It’s titled The Peckish Pirates. When you piece the entire thing together, you are charged with opening up a second package for some additional “magic” to be applied.

Putting the thing together is, I hazard to say it, puzzling. First, we had six corner pieces. Once you get in a bit deeper, you discover that the inside is filled with edge pieces. Also, there is a series of three sets of three pieces that can be interchanged (incorrectly) at three waterfalls within the puzzle. Finally, the box says the puzzle will measure 28 x 21 inches, but it appears to be closer to 28 x 19 inches.

I am posting a photograph of the three interchangeable sections and another photograph showing our progress to date.

In the event you plan on doing this puzzle yourself, I will not divulge anything more about the puzzle, other than a final photograph before we apply the magic.

Three Matching Sections

The Puzzle to Date

—Mitchell Hegman