Toilet Paper Research

My friend Bill called his daughter the other day.  “What kind of toilet paper do you use?” he asked her.

“What for?” she asked.

“I am doing research,” Bill responded.

“You need to put Mom on the phone right away,” his daughter said.  Bill handed his phone over to his wife.

“What is Dad doing?” Bill’s daughter asked her mother.

“He wants to find the best toilet paper,” Bill’s wife responded.   “Something he read in Costco Magazine got him started.”

“How long is this going to last?”

“I don’t know…you know how your father is.”

Fact is, Bill’s toilet paper research may take some time.  To begin with, there is more to toilet paper than you might suspect.  Secondly, Bill intends to personally try every brand.  At present, Bill has three brands on the vanity in his bathroom: Kirkland, Angel Soft, and Charmin.

“Kirkland is losing-out at the moment,” he grimly informed several of us as we discussed his research.

We did not ask for details.

For those interested, a host of toilet paper reviews can found online.

Toilet paper can be of one-ply, two-ply, or three-ply manufacture.  Some brands are made from recycled materials.  Several factors are considered when reviewing toilet paper.  Price is obviously a factor.  The square footage per roll is measured.  The strength and absorption of the tissue is calculated.  Dissolvability is tested (especially important for those with septic systems).  Some reviews are more concerned with how soft the tissue is and whether the tissue—I hate to mention—leaves behind balls of material (pilling in toilet-paper-speak).

My friend Bill became positivity giddy when he started talking about Northern Ultra three-ply toilet paper.  “I think that will be the winner.  It has great reviews.”

One day, a few years ago, while a bunch of us were cruising Hauser Lake, Bill had me dock my boat at a public campground so he could use the restroom.  Holding my pontoon boat against the dock, I watched him waddle off and enter the restroom.  A few minutes later, my cell phone.  It was Bill.  He had not yet emerged from the restroom.

I answered: “Yes?”

“I’m all done in here.  I just wanted you to know.”

“Thanks for sharing, Bill.”

I am hoping that Bill does not call me from his bathroom as he is personally reviewing his next three brands of toilet paper.  Chances are, he will.      

--Mitchell Hegman