Solutions

Problem: I keep compiling my various mistakes in my head and then constantly wade through them.

Solution #1: Stop making mistakes.

Solution #2: Drop a tab of LSD and alter reality.

Problem: I’m small on the outside.

Solution: Be big on the inside.

Problem: I take myself too seriously.

Solution: Remember I am, in fact, a temporary arrangement of opinions.

Problem: I often fail at properly pronouncing “rotisserie.”

Solution: Beer.

—Mitchell Hegman