Cats

When cohabitating with cats you will, sooner or later, begin to comply with their preferred ways of living.  Though cats are neither exuberant nor vocal, they make their points and preferences clear enough with snotty glances and the occasional nudge of approval.  You need to be a certain kind of person to live with cats—which is to say unstable at the very least.  Having lived with cats for a while, I think I have figured them out.  Following are a few kitty-cat characteristics and preferences.  You may affix, at the beginning of each bullet point, the statement: “If cats had their way…”

·         People would drink out of the toilet and they would own the sink.

·         All canned goods would be clear so you would not waste your time opening up stuff that sucks.

·         When a door opens, it would let you in and out at the same time.

·         Birds would have only one wing and fly in low circles.

·         Everything would have strings attached, literally.

·         Cats (if able to talk) would invent new swear words.

·         People would be banned from slapping their thighs can calling: “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.”  You know what?   Makes people look silly the whole coming-when-you-are-called thing is a non-starter.

·         Snow?  Nope.  Not ever.

·         Wind?  We will have none of that either.

·         Ledges shall be constructed between all points of interest.

·         Cardboard boxes shall be placed on the floor for proper inspection before any other action is taken with them.

·         More play and less work.

--Mitchell Hegman