I am not very interested in football. I suspect that my disinterest may be the result
of a missing gene or perhaps some yet undiscovered central nervous system failure. I am one of few people left at the odd
station of not quite understanding all the fuss and frenzy surrounding the
Super Bowl on game day. I did watch an
entire Super Bowl game once. That was
many years ago. My sister cried because
Denver won the game.
I asked her: “This is just a game, right?”
“Yes…”
“Then, why are you crying?”
“Because Denver won!”
Okay. Back to
square one. My genetic disorder is
something akin to color blindness. In my
case, I simply lack the metric to see the emotional and philosophical connections
between freakishly large males smashing together and, well, anything else. I think I might enjoy the game if some twists
were added. Maybe the football could have quills, like a
porcupine, so that players want the ball but are also afraid to get near
it. Maybe, rather than being confined to
the ground, the players could be equipped with jetpacks so a real “air game”
could be played. I might actually watch
a Super Bowl where all the players were required to play either an accordion or
bagpipes until the instant the ball was hiked at the beginning of each play.
My kind of game that last one!
--Mitchell
Hegman
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