Planting Photographs

Stumbling, as I am, from a bout with norovirus, I have been cat-napping at various points throughout the last two days. Naturally, this has allowed me to catch my share of weird dreams. I am particularly irritated that I woke before one dream properly ended. In the dream, two children and I were digging holes in the earth and planting photographs we liked so they would grow into something beautiful. The children preferred photographs of smiling people, and I preferred sunny landscapes. I want back in that dream so I can see what the photographs grew into.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Rapid (Often Violent) Weight Loss Program

I just lost four pounds in less than two days—thanks to a rapid (often violent) weight loss program known as norovirus. If you are unfamiliar, norovirus is a highly contagious virus that causes vomiting and diarrhea. It sometimes goes by the garish nickname “winter vomiting disease.”

The nickname fits this ailment well. I actually expelled my contents from both ends simultaneously. Effective, but not pretty. Norovirus, in addition to being highly contagious, has no treatment other than letting it run its course. The illness comes on quickly but slow-walks away when leaving.

I don’t recommend norovirus as a means for controlling weight. In fact, I don’t recommend it for anything. Furthermore, I will be hiding out for the next few days to ensure I don’t spread the dread disease.

—Mitchell Hegman

Another Guinness World Record

Years ago, I tried my hand at crocheting. My efforts lasted for something around thirty to forty seconds. Between the hook and the yarn, I was all thumbs. I learned at that time that I can unravel with the best of them, but stitching is not my thing.

For me, thirty or so seconds of crocheting proved enough for a lifetime. Not so for Alessandra Hayden of Gig Harbor, Washington. Back in early November, Alessandra shattered the Guinness World Record for the longest marathon crocheting. Okay, “shattered” may be too strong a word for a crocheting record. Let’s go with “piffed.” She piffed the world record.

Anyhow, to reach the new record, Alessandra worked her yarn for 34 hours, seven minutes. After her long hours, she produced a blanket. That’s at least more rewarding and practical than breaking the record for placing snails on your face. If you want to take a run at that one, you will need to place more than 43 snails on your face and keep them there for 10 seconds.

I am a little interested in that one.

Source and Photo: UPI

—Mitchell Hegman

Time Remaining: 1:15

I have an old-timey electric range in my kitchen. It's thirty-two years old and equipped with the most rudimentary electronics. The clock/timer will display only one function (either clock or timer) at a time and is controlled by two buttons and a small dial. Simple.

Yesterday, I decided to stop baking and pull a small batch of tater tots from the oven with the timer still showing 1:15 (one minute and fifteen seconds). I quickly pressed the timer cancel button, which issued a beep, but 1:15 remained on the digital display.

I pressed to cancel again. A tone issued once more, but the display continued to show 1:15.

I pressed the button again with the same result. And again. And again.

Just about when I was about to lapse into a full-on conniption fit, my eye caught the time on the nearby microwave: 1:15.

My Old-Timey Range

—Mitchell Hegman

Dream On

A friend of mine recently sent me the link for a video featuring Mr. Chicken performing the Aerosmith song “Dream On.” The video is silly and irreverent and pleases me way more than it should. Today, I am sharing the video here. Take one minute and twenty-seven seconds out of your day to enjoy a rubber chicken’s rendering of a rock classic.

—Mitchell Hegman

SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSTsZFbN8rg 

Gizzard

 I like to say “gizzard.” It’s a word I could have invented as a kid. For one thing, it has two Zs, which is exceptional. I also appreciate the way the syllables work on your tongue. “Gizzard” very nearly sounds like a curse.

Anyhow, I got to say the word to Desiree while talking about cooking her first-ever turkey. “Desiree,” I said, "I am going to help you avoid a rookie mistake. You need to take the giblets out from inside the turkey – you know, the gizzard and neck and stuff. A lot of people don’t know they are inside and leave them there when they cook the bird. It’s kinda funny.”

Desiree thought for a moment and then asked, “Why do they give them to you with the turkey? They don’t always with chickens.”

“Beats me. Maybe just to confuse us. But I like a gizzard now and then.”

There. I got to say “gizzard” twice.

—Mitchell Hegman

Approaching Thanksgiving

As we approach Thanksgiving, I think about something a friend of mine did. He happened to attend an Independence Day celebration on the 4th of July with a married couple from Great Britain. As fireworks exploded into bright colors in the sky above, my friend lightly elbowed the English gentleman. “I don’t expect you have much of a celebration for the fourth where you come from,” he said.

Short answer: “Nope.”

While Independence Day celebrates our original colonies becoming a separate nation, Thanksgiving celebrates the gathering together of friends, neighbors, and family. A host of countries have similar celebrations. And, frankly, I think any country that doesn’t have a Thanksgiving Day (or equivalent) should adopt one.

This Thanksgiving will be Desiree’s second one since arriving here in the United States, and she is fully invested. We will be hosting a small gathering. Desiree will cook her first-ever turkey. And, in a perfectly Filipino twist, our house is already decked out for Christmas.

—Mitchell Hegman