Rules and Standards

Following are a few simple rules and standards I have adopted as guidelines for living my life:

SECTION I – General Policy

A.    Abide by all laws governing physics with the exception of gravity.

B.     The gradual adoption of my father’s weird conspiracy theories is acceptable, providing I begin with the one where the government is trying to control us by inducing signals in our microwave ovens as we cook.

C.     Avoid mushrooms that do not cause me to see cartoon characters dancing in the ice cubes at the bottom of my glass.

D.    Always be honest—even when the initial result is painful.

SECTION II – Treatment of Adults

A.    Most adults shall be approached with the caution reserved for someone about to give everyone in the vicinity an enema, repeatedly.

B.     Never listen to someone if they begin an explanation or proposition with any of the following opening statements:

a.       “Not that it matters, but…”

b.      “I am a banker by profession…”

c.       “Maybe you have heard of me…”

C.     Avoid those who think that only one thing in life is important.

D.    Avoid those who think that everything in life is important.

SECTION III – Treatment of Children

A.    Children must be treated with reverence.

B.     When seeking facts, consult children.

C.     Toys first, all else second.

D.    Teach every child at least one stupid-magic trick.

SECTION IV – Pretty Stuff

A.    Pay attention to pretty stuff.

SECTION V – Stuff that is not Pretty

A.    Do not pay attention to stuff that is not pretty.

SECTION VII – Personal Finance

A.    A little Scotch and dark red wine is an investment in wellbeing.

B.     Money is generally a bad investment.

SECTION VII – The Opposite Sex

A.    Pretty is fine, genuine it better.

B.     True love is never out of fashion.

C.     Salma Hayek.

--Mitchell Hegman