Scotch Alert

I am presently operating under a Scotch Alert.  By my estimates, I have about four days before I reach a full-on Scotch Emergency.

Please, allow me to go back and start from the beginning so I can explain.

Acquiring a “taste” for Scotch is something akin to developing an addiction to heroin.  Heroin abusers often display telltale indicators of their drug use.  These indicators include: disorientation, a fatigued appearance, slowed reaction time, and a dry mouth.  As the drug use deepens, heroin addicts may become withdrawn, lose interest in all future planning, show complete indifference to physical appearance, and download the song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini onto all personal computers and music storage devices.

I know what you are thinking: “Geez, Mitch, you are a heroin addict!”

I am not.  I just happen to think the song is cute.

My addiction is for Scotch.   About three years ago, I had my first sip of a well-aged single malt Scotch and instantly fell into the demon claws of a Scotch habit.   I don’t get drunk, thank you, but I like to sip one small glass of Scotch in the evening.

The telltale signs of a Scotch drinker include: willingness to spend over one-hundred dollars for a bottle of single malt, regular use of the phrase “nice peaty aftertaste,” and snobbish behavior in the presence of people drinking lite beer.  If you notice someone running (not walking) into the liquor outlet, that is a Scotch drinker needing a new bottle.

Perhaps the most notable difference between a Scotch drinker and a heroin user is in their approach to maintaining a supply of their favored medicine.  Heroin addicts tend to bound from high to high.  They approach supply of their drug in a rather ad hoc fashion; not worrying until they actually run out of the drug.  Scotch drinkers, contrarily, readily reveal signs of stress and sometimes panic at the mere thought of running low.

I have three distinct stages to explain my own reaction to a dwindling supply of Scotch.

Scotch Alert:  Less than a half-bottle remaining.  Notes are written to remind me to purchase a bottle on my next trip to town.

Scotch Warning:  Maybe only two glasses of Scotch remaining.  I might need to make trip to town for the express reason of running into the liquor store.  I may call my brother-in-law to see if he has Scotch in the event I cannot re-supply due to liquor store closure.

Scotch Emergency:  Holy hell!  I am out of Scotch!  How did this happen?

I am posting a photograph of what my empty Scotch glass looks like when held in front of the television.

--Mitchell Hegman