Aliens from Outer Space versus a Colonoscopy

Back in the 1970s and 1980s a rash of stories about humans being abducted by aliens from outer space hit the news.  Those stories always fascinated me.  I recall remarking to a friend of mine: “Geez, I think it would be cool to be abducted like that.  I would try to talk with the aliens, right?  They always release the people again.”

“What about the anal probe thing?” he asked without hesitation.

‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.  I didn’t think it through.”

That was often part of the story.  People claiming to be abducted said they were transported up into a spacecraft and surrounded by pale-looking aliens with big eyes.  The aliens conducted tests on them with a host of weird, shiny instruments.  Some kind of anal probe was often one of those tests.

Not long after all of those abductions, colonoscopy became a craze here on earth.  I am thinking the timing of this was a coincidence, but I am not sure.

Okay, colonoscopy is not really a craze.  Doctors recommend that people have the procedure done at the age of fifty as a preemptive strike against colon cancer.  Naturally, I put the procedure off for ten years.

I had my first colonoscopy two days ago.  I was very nervous at first.  Fortunately, my doctor had a beard and looked more like a beer-drinking logger than an alien from outer space.  I was going to insist that he place an X on the spot of entry before they dispatched me into the twilight, but decided against that at the last moment.

Honestly—other than the dreadful noise—having a colonoscopy was a snap.  I slept through the whole thing.  The nurses could not have been nicer.  No pain after.  Cleansing your colon prior to the procedure is a bit peculiar, but as I told my brother-in-law, “It’s not like sitting on the toilet is something new…I’ve been doing it for years.”

But that noise!   I am talking about the first two days following the procedure.  Ever since the colonoscopy, my stomach has sounded like a haunted house filled with teenagers pranking each other.  Sometimes it sounds like heavy equipment ripping a tunnel through solid rock.  That girl put it pretty accurately: “It’s no different than turning on the water in your house after you shut it down to work on the plumbing—the pipes make noise as they refill with water.”

Those abducted by aliens often claimed the anal probing was quite painful.  I was just thinking about those pale-looking aliens with big eyes.  I wonder if all the anal probing they do makes them look like that?

--Mitchell Hegman