The Nervous Quiet

I get nervous when Desiree and I are hanging out at the house and everything suddenly becomes silent and I don’t find Desiree at her normal hangouts.  This can mean only one thing: she is somewhere in an unforeseen spot plotting how to fit in a new houseplant.

—Mitchell Hegman

Smartphone (The Good Side)

I sometimes chirp about how smartphones have elbowed their way into every facet of our modern lives.  I am especially concerned with how most of us become self-absorbed in fiddling with our phones at the exclusion of old-fashioned human interaction with those around us.

That being said, smartphones have revolutionized the way we share information.    I recently had a personal experience that exemplifies this.

During my youth, I spent too many summers in the sun without using sunblock. As a result of damage from that, I have developed numerous precancerous spots on my skin in recent years.

Several weeks ago, I noticed a conspicuous reddish spot on my right forearm.  After monitoring the spot and not seeing it fade away, I figured I should have my dermatologist take a glance at it.  A call to her office indicated we might do days or weeks of back-and-forth before connecting in person.  The five-minute solution: a photograph sent from my smartphone.

—Mitchell Hegman

My Balancing Act

In his famous poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot offers a bleak and disjointed view of the modern world, one where the quest for meaning and connection is elusive, if not evasive.  Two lines from the poem have always stuck with me:   

“I should have been a pair of ragged claws

Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.”

The lines suggest absolute surrender to the darkest sensibilities.

On a good day, I consider my own lines of hope to replace those penned by Eliot.  I try to insert lines of optimism and imagine how the tone of the poem might be altered.  Today, my lines are these:

“I should have been a white bird

Veering across the brilliant light of an azure sky.”  

—Mitchell Hegman

The Ribcage

On a walk to the lakeshore my path took me near my country neighbor’s back yard and garden plot.  As I sauntered past the garden plot, the stark white bones of a ribcage – posed openly on a patch of tended grass – caught my eyes.

Last fall, while butchering a deer harvested by his son, my country neighbor flung the ribcage out his back door so the local magpies and ravens could feast on the sparse flags of flesh on the bones.

The birds quickly picked the ribs clean and now the sun fully embraces the bones throughout the day.

I suspect such a sight would be range on a scale beginning at conspicuous and ending at scandalous in many places, but around here a second glance is not warranted.    

—Mitchell Hegman

Something Charles Bukowski Said

— “Almost everybody is born a genius and buried an idiot.”

— “I don't like the clean-shaven boy with the necktie and the good job. I like desperate men, men with broken teeth and broken minds and broken ways. They interest me. They are full of surprises and explosions.”

— “Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must live.”

— “Love breaks my bones and I laugh.”

Pizza Toppings (Hold the Anchovies)

A dividing line has long existed in the world of pizza making.  That line is the point where a decision is made to top a pizza with pineapple. 

Way back in my high school days I worked at a pizza parlor that offered pineapple as a topping option.  I recall a few debates (sometimes grimaces) when a pizza with pineapple appeared on the order wheel.

I was neutral on pineapple but I was firmly opposed to anchovy pizza, which we also served.

Well, somewhere on my twisting journey to late adulthood, my taste in pizza topping sensibilities modified.  I drifted away from stock sausage and pepperoni pizza toppings and began to embrace more “exotic” things.

I am still a “no” to anchovies, but last night I ate a pizza topped with artichoke hearts.  In all, the pizza ingredients included artichoke hearts, pesto, sun-dried tomatoes, toasted pine nuts and mozzarella cheese.

I am not sorry I did this.

—Mitchell Hegman

Aloe Vera

Aloe vera plants are not native to the front entry to my home, but the one growing there is thriving. 

Aloe vera is a succulent native to the Arabian Peninsula but is now found in many parts of the world.   The plant has long been known for its medicinal properties.  The gel found inside its leaves is commonly used to treat various skin conditions, including burns, cuts, and sunburn. Additionally, aloe vera has anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties and can aid in digestion.

Growing in ideal habitat, with appropriate water and sunlight, an aloe vera might bloom once a year.  However, the frequency of blooming varies depending on growing conditions, and some aloe vera plants may not bloom at all.

I have grown several aloe vera in my house – some for many years – but never managed to bring one to bloom.  Now, for the first time, the aloe vera at my front door is blooming.

I am not sure why the aloe vera opted to bloom this year.  Spring has not been cooperating at all on the outside of the house, but on the inside, we’ve got this.

 

My Aloe Vera

—Mitchell Hegman

The Gang of Six

You may recall the “Gang of Six”.   They were six United States senators from both political parties who worked on a bipartisan basis to address the federal budget deficit and debt in 2011. They proposed a nutty plan that included both spending cuts and revenue increases.

Well, I have my own Gang of Six.  They are not senators.  My Gang of Six is comprised of chipmunks.   And, truthfully, I have no idea if there are six of them, but there are at least four of them.

They seem like six.

While I have no firm proof my gang is promoting a strategy to change my tax structure, I can affirm that they regularly overrun my back deck and brick ledge.   Recently, one of them, in a panic to flee from me, knocked a small terra cotta pot (holding a candle) from the brick ledge.

The pot shattered on my deck.  

Thanks, Gang of Six.

A Member of the Gang on My Deck

Broken Pot

—Mitchell Hegman

It Goes Without Saying

If hyper-extending your arm all the way behind your back while waving hurts, don’t hyper-extend your arm all the way behind your back while waving.

—Mitchell Hegman

Toilet Agreement

Every spring I have a portable toilet delivered to my lakefront.  The toilet is then used and maintained throughout the summer months.

Apparently, something revolutionary happened in toilet-world over the winter months and porta potties became a pretty big deal.  Given this, I was required this year to sign a three-page “agreement” prior to the delivery of my plastic toilet.   Within the document, I needed to place my initials alongside fourteen individual accords in addition to signing my name.

The days of transactions agreed upon with a simple handshake (after washing them) are no more.  And, weirdly enough, my marriage license required far less thought and engagement than my toilet agreement.

My Portable Toilet Agreement

—Mitchell Hegman

Rocking After Midnight

I have had my share of strange dreams, but nothing compares to a set of recurring dreams I experienced the night before last.  I launched awake from the first dream a few minutes after midnight.  Within the dream, I was a member of the rock band Led Zeppelin.  I didn’t actually play music with the band but I was somehow important to them and we were discussing how some songs were to be performed live.

I drifted off to sleep and fluttered awake again at around two 2:00 am, pulled from a second Led Zeppelin dream.  In the this dream I and my bandmates we were sitting on a ridiculously tall sofa watching another band rock away on a distant stage.

Off to sleep again.

At 3:53 am I rolled awake for the last time.  Implausibly, I had arrived from a third dream of being part of Led Zeppelin.  Details were evasive this time, but I had been with the band again.

The afternoon before my Zeppelin dreams, I played their classic Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You twice in a row on my sound system.  On the second go, I cranked the volume up high enough to rattle my household dust bunnies a bit.  Either the song stuck with me or the dust bunnies tried to get even with me as I slept.

What might happen if I played Nilsson’s The Lottery Song on repeat?

—Mitchell Hegman

Another List of Recently Learned Things

• Eggplant is a fruit, not a vegetable.
• If a bug tap dances on your face at 3:53 in the morning, you are going to wake up every time.
• Peanut butter is an excellent agent for cleaning leather.
• 67 is the new 13 (learned on my birthday) 
• On rare occasions, snakes that make a habit of eating other snakes may literally eat themselves, swallowing their own tail after mistaking it for prey.
• With enough force, even a dull object can penetrate the skin.
• It’s possible to live without a hot tub, but it’s not near as fun.
• Toilet paper matters.

—Mitchell Hegman

Living With Deer

Cohabitating with mule deer in their natural habitat provides you with exactly two options.  One option is to surround your yard with high fences so you can grow pretty stuff within.  The other option is to allow the space around your house to assume the modest sensibilities of the landscape around you.  

I have been cohabitating with deer for over thirty years and have managed to do so by xeriscaping my yard with a sparsity of “deer-proof” flora.

If you are married to a Filipina and living in deer country (read Mitch Hegman here), the choice between the two options is likely to shift directions.  You may need to invest in fencing material and lumber.

Having been raised in a tropical paradise, my island girl wants flowers, fruiting plants, and green around her at all times.  She desires plants with baubles and bows and whistles and bells.  You know.  Deer food.

This year, we will begin the process of a green transformation for parts of my yard.  As a starting point, I picked up materials and constructed a cage around a small garden plot we prepped last fall before winter fell upon us.

For the purpose of easy access, I provided an easily removable six-foot panel on the front of the cage.

More to come later.

Working on the Fencing in My Kitchen Shop

The Completed Cage

Front Panel Removed.

—Mitchell Hegman

Translating Your Writing

You know your spelling is wholly inaccurate when spellcheck prompts you to translate a word you just wrote into English.

—Mitchell Hegman

Bitterroot Rosettes

Montana is known for extremes in weather.  Given this, having the bitterroot as our state flower makes sense.

As a starting point, the name “bitterroot” carries three spare letters, which is admirable at a minimum.  More importantly, the bitterroot plant is a perennial adapted to survive in a harsh, arid environment, and is well-suited to drought conditions.

These very conditions define wide swaths of Montana.

The bitterroot goes dormant in winter and is one of the first plants to emerge in spring, appearing seemingly overnight with a rosette of fleshy leaves. By mid to late May, the plant produces showy, oversized pink flowers. After flowering, the plant produces brown seed pods that contain small, black seeds. As summer cools down, the bitterroot plant enters dormancy, dropping its leaves and retreating underground.

True to form, I have spotted bitterroot in my walks along our country road.  Like everything else this year, they are showing up late, but I am happy to see them at all.

Emerging Bitterroot

—Mitchell Hegman

Great Ponderings

Albert Einstein deliberated for years on end in his attempt to understand the great fabric of numbers and formulae holding together gravity, space, and time.  It took him something near ten years to develop his theory of general relativity.

Friedrich Nietzsche grew a formidable mustache and spent a lifetime pondering traditional morality and the pursuit of individualism, creativity, and the affirmation of life in the face of the existential challenges of modernity.

For several minutes, I have been wondering if I should have one or two slices of sharp cheddar on my burger.

—Mitchell Hegman

Birthday Report

I celebrated my birthday yesterday.  The day started with Desiree wishing me a good morning with a birthday banner (see the posted photo).  If you want to be technical, I am what you would term a “senior adult”.

Thing is, I never adulted all that well and I don’t think I am all that great at senioring either.  In order to make my age more palatable, I have decided to determine it by adding together the two number used to express it.

Using this method, I turned 13 for the second time in my life.

Much better.

In local news, the hillside chipmunk tribe has once again taken over control of my back deck and bluebirds are bouncing along the top rail of my fence.

In the realm of finances, the Dow, Nasdaq, and S & P stock indices all rose in pronounced fashion for the day.

Finally, I have brushed aside the (possibly annoying) fact another snowstorm shouldered against us throughout yesterday.  I had better things to dwell on.

You turn 13 only twice in your life.

Desiree and the Birthday Banner

—Mitchell Hegman

Buster Keaton

Buster Keaton was a renowned actor, filmmaker, and stuntman during the silent era of Hollywood. Keaton's films were characterized by his deadpan expression, physical comedy, and inventive use of props and sets. He was known for performing dangerous stunts, such as hanging from a clock tower in "Safety Last!" or dodging a collapsing house in "Steamboat Bill Jr."

Despite the risks, Keaton performed his own stunts, without the aid of doubles or special effects. His meticulous planning and precision made his stunts appear effortless and added to the comedic effect of his films.  His innovative techniques and fearless approach to filmmaking remain a testament to his enduring influence on cinema.

Posted today is a short compilation of some of Keaton’s more notable work.

Enjoy!

—Mitchell Hegman

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frYIj2FGmMA

I Wanted to Do the Right Thing (But Nobody Else Did)

While driving in town, I heard a scraping noise coming from the front of my car.  Fearing I might have a problem with my brakes or one of the wheels, I immediately pulled into a parking lot for an inspection.

My car is equipped with a fibrous underbody cover.  Somehow, two screws that secure the cover to the frame had fallen free and part of the front passenger side of the undercover was dragging underneath the car.

Climbing back inside the car I told Desiree what I found.  “It looks like I could just cut the loose piece off with a knife, but I would rather drive to the dealership and fix it properly.” 

We drove across town to the dealership and pulled in to the service department.  I explained the problem to a tech and then added: “If you can’t get at it right away, I’ll just take it home and cut the loose piece off.  But I would like to fasten the cover back in place.”

After visiting with a few mechanics, the tech said he didn’t have a hoist or mechanic available.  “I can call our partner dealership next door and see what they can help.”

“Sure.”

Following a quick call, I drove next door and left the car with service department there.  After waiting in a lounge area for about a half-hour, Desiree and I were led back out the service desk.

The service tech printed out an invoice for thirty dollars and informed me a mechanic had cut the loose piece off with a knife.   

—Mitchell Hegman

Freezeout Lake

Freezeout Lake, located near Fairfield, Montana, is a critical stopover point for migratory waterfowl on their journey along the Pacific Flyway.  The prairie lake provides a critical habitat for millions of waterfowl every year, including snow geese, tundra swans, and ducks. During the spring and fall migrations, the lake provides an important rest and refueling point for these birds, allowing them to rest, feed, and build up the energy they need to continue their journey.

Freezeout Lake is often referred to as the "goose factory" due to the large number of snow geese that stop there.  Tens of thousands of geese might be seen on a busy day.

Taking advantage of a warm spring day, Desiree and I drove to Freezeout Lake to see if we might spot a few birds.  Unfortunately, we arrived a bit late in the day for large numbers.  But we did see a handful of swans, pelicans, and a few small flocks of snow geese.

We were unable to capture any worthy photographs of those birds, but we did chance upon a mess of cooperative seagulls gathered along the shore near one of the lake access roads.  They were entertaining in their own right.

Desiree Taking a Selfie with Gulls

Selfie

Desiree Gull Video

—Mitchell Hegman

Treetop Love

Apparently, love is in the air.  I am talking literally here.  While driving to town, a pair of ravens launched from a cottonwood tree in front of me.  The birds vaulted across the road and then, almost immediately, one of them landed at the very top of a pine tree.  The second bird then dropped directly onto the first one and the pair engaged in raucous sex right there in front of me.

That’s a first for me, but I must say, watching ravens do their business is not particularly satisfying.

On the less savage side, ravens are a generally monogamous.  Most pairs bond for life.   Additionally, both the male and female share in feeding their brood.  

—Mitchell Hegman

Shocking Blue (Something New)

I recently posted a blog about Shocking Blue, the famous rock group from the Netherlands.  Today we need to talk about another sort of shocking blue.

While poking around in a big box store, Desiree and I took a stroll through the large appliances just to see what refrigerators, washers, dryers, and ranges look like these days.

We found a lot of stainless steel and a lot of lofty prices.

The weirdest appliance turned out to be the last electric range we looked at – specifically the oven.

When you open the oven on a range you expect to see a couple silver racks and al lot gray.  That’s what ovens look like inside.  Not this oven.

When Desiree dropped opened the oven door, we were pretty much assaulted by the color blue.  I literally took a step back.  “Whoa,” I said, “I wasn’t expecting that!”

Desiree laughed.  “Me, either.”

“Is that color strange or is it good?” I asked her.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, we won’t be buying it to find out.”

The Shocking Blue Appliance   

—Mitchell Hegman

Levitating a Coin

Have you always wondered how magicians make coins and other small objects levitate?  Posted is a short video showing one method for performing this trick.

Surprisingly (maybe disappointingly) easy stuff.

Don’t watch this if you want magic to remain as magic.

—Mitchell Hegman

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55IEJMzPVCk

Sending the Wrong Message

People can be strange.  Some people park sideways.  Some listen to awful music.  Others paint their houses the wrong color.

Just the same, overall, I like people.

Facebook is all about people and I have adopted what I would term as an “open” posture regarding friends on this platform.  I accept the friend requests from pretty much anyone with what appears to be a legitimate profile.

The other day, I accepted a friend request from a woman with no mutual friends and no other notable connection.  Not long after accepting her as a friend, she sent a couple greetings on Facebook messenger.

It was pretty obvious she was flirting with me.   With that in mind, I responded: “I am a happily married man and I don’t talk with other women because my wife is the best!!!

Sometime later she responded: “Are you stupid?”

After laughing so hard a nearly passed out, I answered: “Yes, I am.”

—Mitchell Hegman

You Can’t Have All Good Days

On a drive home from town, I spotted pair of dead geese frozen together in ice that had developed overnight on a small pond.   Later, I had to stop and pick up a few pieces of litter from along the road near my house.

The littler included a bottle, two cans, and a discarded Styrofoam fishing bait container.   Reading the message on the container made finding it both ironic and frustrating.

Ironic Litter

—Mitchell Hegman

Failure (As Seen by the Thoughtful)

 I can accept failure; everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying.

—Michael Jordan

 

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

—John Burroughs

 

Success and failure are equally disastrous.

—Tennessee Williams

 

Success is 99 percent failure.

—Soichiro Honda 

List of Warnings you Don’t Want to See on a Prescription Drug You Need.

Following is a list of warnings for Cide-Effex (a drug I made up):

1. Do not take Cide-Effex if you plan on eating within 72 hours.
2. Cide-Effex may be harmful to left-handed people.
3. Stop taking Cide-Effex and call your physician if you develop an overwhelming urge to move to Western Canada so you can teach Canadians how to pronounce the word “about”.
4. Do not allow anyone you love to take Cide-Effex.
5. Cide-Effex has been linked to demeaning plebney (See Mad Magazine, Winter 1974).
6. Cide-Effex may be safely taken by lizards.
7. In certain instances, Cide-Effex may lead to a loss of critical thinking.
8. Do not play checkers after taking Cide-Effex.

—Mitchell Hegman

It’s That Simple

Using the last couple days as my frame of reference, I figured out what I don’t like about a sunny but windy day.

Here it is.

I don’t like the fact that it’s sunny but windy.

—Mitchell Hegman 

I Feel Love

Posted today is a video featuring the Blue Man Group with Venus Hum (aka Annette Strean) as the vocalist.

The video is of particular interest to me.  First, some years ago, I saw the Blue Man Group perform the song at one of their shows in Las Vegas.  More notably, I discovered that Annette is a Montana native.  She grew up in Whitefish, the daughter of a logger.

Upon discovering this, I found her personal profile on Facebook and sent a friend request.  Apparently, thinking I was your garden variety stalker (or some equivalent), she never responded.

I got over the friend request thing and I am now Facebook friends with one of my old coworker’s dogs.

—Mitchell Hegman

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFgIcD02Lxo

The Netherlands

While elbowing around on the intent, I chanced upon a video proposing to dispel myths about the Netherlands.

I know a little about the place.  The Netherlands is a sovereign state in western Europe.  It functions as a constitutional monarchy and is most widely known for wooden shoes, windmills, and vast fields of colorful tulips.

I really don’t have any myths I need to dispel.  So, I didn’t take the time to watch the video.  But I got to thinking about all that a bit later.

There is one thing.

You need to know that the Netherlands is not to be confused with your nether regions.

—Mitchell Hegman