The Book of Right On

Joanna Newsom was raised in the small town of Nevada City, California.  Her parents did not allow her to watch television for fear the constant violence and general stupidity might have a harmful influence one her.  At the age of five she became interested in playing the harp and today describes the harp as not just an instrument but something that is a necessary part of her.  She has self-described her voice as “untrainable.”

Joanna Newsom’s musical offerings are pretty unique.  The song posted today is one of my favorites.  The studio version of this song is quite crisp, but I like the look and feel of this live version.

--Mitchell Hegman

Please click on this link if the video here does not launch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGViUabMt14

Where we find the Sea

Consider this: I live within the landlocked shadows of Montana’s Big Belt Mountains, and yet the tallest mountain near me, Hogback, standing 7813 feet above present sea level, is topped with limestone and seashell fossils from an ancient ocean floor.

Consider this: the highest point on planet Earth, the very peak of Mount Everest, is neither volcanic nor metamorphic stone.  Standing amid the clouds at 29,000 feet above present sea level, the peak is comprised of marine limestone thrust up from the ancient sea where it first formed.

We are often upside-down in this life.

In our mountain ranges, the sea is locked in windswept stone above us.

--Mitchell Hegman

A Woman with Three Breasts

I am relatively normal if you don’t count the time I accidentally hit myself in the head with a hammer or the time I hugged a girl in a chicken suit and liked the thought of hugging a chicken at least twice as much as I should have.  “You jumped right up into that chicken’s arms!” my friend said in a specter of shock after witnessing me with the chicken.

In fairness, that was a very attractive chicken.

At any rate, I am actually trying to express that I like breasts as much as the next guy.

Let me start over.

The other day, I read an article about a woman from Tampa, Florida who had a third breast implanted on her chest.  As I said, I like breasts, but I have established a fairly strict limit of two breasts per woman.  For one thing—as much as I struggled with trying to unlatch a bra made for two breasts—I cannot fathom what mess I would make with a third breast in the mix.  I will allow you to draw the images for that in your own mind.

Also, three breasts is a bit too close to planet Pablo Picasso for my liking.  Good for paintings but a bit too ambitious for cleavage lines.

According to the article I read in the Tampa Bay Times, Alisha Jasmine Hessler, age 21, had a plastic surgeon implant a third breast on her chest. She also started calling herself “Alisha Tridevil.”  Her story quickly began to unravel as an apparent hoax when her luggage was stolen and police discovered a “three-breast prosthesis” inside one of her suitcases before they returned the items they had recovered.  Her motive for sporting a third breast appears to be the desire for an MTV reality show.

While I am not terribly interested in a girl with three breasts, fake or not, I have a brother-in-law who may find something of value in that.   And if the MTV thing never works out, Alisha Tridevil would be a perfect spokesperson for Monsanto.

--Mitchell Hegman

Dismissive

I recall one day when, during a conversation, a man remarked of another: “But he is just a glorified garbage man.”

Obviously, the intent of the statement was to be dismissive, if not mocking.

But instantly I thought to myself: Collecting garbage is merely what he does for a living…that is not what he is.

--Mitchell Hegman

Every Day is a Bad Hair Day

I have never been photogenic.  For one thing, most of my days are bad hair days.  On days that are not bad hair days, I have hideously “un-good” hair days.  I would consider shaving my head, but I think my head has a somewhat conspicuous perfume-bottle shape underneath what is left of my gray mop.

I have also never liked my smile.  My teeth are not pretty.  When I complain about my teeth to my dentist she always says: “You have beautiful teeth!”  I think what she means is that they are something like a savings account for her—there is always work to be done.

For several years, I developed a habit of tilting my head to the right the instant a camera was trained on me.  Everyone in my family noticed this when we looked through photos from family gatherings.  “Why do you tilt your head like that?” my sister once asked me as we were looking at some snapshots from a road trip across Montana.

“I don’t know, Deb,” I answered, “Something about having my picture taken.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I do that subconsciously."

Over the years, I have destroyed hundreds of photos of me (negatives, copies, and electronic files).  Today, I am posting a photobomb from last week to show you what I am up against.  Also pictured is my sister, Deb, someone’s hand, and my beautiful young friends Randy, and Melissa.

As you have likely surmised, the photo was taken with my twice-as-smarter-than-me phone.

--Mitchell Hegman

I Just Saw the Future

I just saw the future…it has a bunch of tattoos and a pierced nose.

--Mitchell Hegman

What I Want (Continued)

I want to run fast for another twenty years.

I want everyone to listen to what I say when I am happy.

I want the advice of children before anyone else.

I want to harvest sunlight.

I want real workers to earn real money.

I want more dreams of fish.

--Mitchell Hegman