Leap Day

The Earth does not run on a perfectly tight schedule and does not orbit the Sun in precisely 365 days. For this reason, every four years, a “leap day” must be added to the calendar to reckon our accounting. Today, February 29, 2024, happens to be such a day.

If we didn’t bother to make this small correction every four years, our days would gradually but inexorably ratchet back into the wrong seasons. Where I live, that’s a pretty big deal. Frankly, we already struggle enough with our winters not knowing or respecting their place on the calendar.

Now, spare a thought for those born on leap day. These mystical people technically celebrate a birthday only every 4 years. If we adhered to this technicality, such people would not be entering first grade until they were 20 of our years old. Obviously, that will not work. Instead, February 28 must stand-in for their birthday on other than leap years. Given all of this, happy birthday leap year babies!

—Mitchell Hegman

Brain Cramps

While shopping at the grocery store, I chanced upon a man who was essentially frozen in place before an expansive display of cheese. I immediately recognized the issue: he was suffering from a brain cramp (a loop of confusion).

Because I also get brain cramps, I have always thought I should have been equipped with a rest button on the back of my head. And I would appreciate it if someone pressed the button when they recognize I am having such a malfunction.

Thinking I might help the gentleman at the cheese display, I approached him and said, “Too darned many choices, huh? I avoid the potato chip aisle for the same reason.”

The man smiled and then mentioned something about one type of cheese producing excess oil if cooked in some manner. The important thing is our brief interaction reset his brain, and we both went on our way again.

Several minutes later, the same gentleman approached me. “I have a joke for you,” he suggested. “My granddaughter in Mississippi told it to me.” He then told me a joke about a mama chicken and her babies. The joke was rather cute, and I would love to share it with you, but I suffered my own brain cramp on the next aisle over and lost most of the joke to that.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Stray Cat: A Short Story

While walking home from work one evening, Judy came across a small black cat with white paws. The cat seemed skinny and a bit unkempt but mewed hopefully as Judy approached. “Hello, kitty,” said Judy. She stooped and stroked the cat’s flank.

Before long, Judy had scooped up the cat and continued walking, assuming it was a stray. “I’ll take you home, and maybe you can stay with me,” she told the cat.

Upon arriving home, Judy fed the stray cat some canned tuna and also gave it a bowl of water. Within a few minutes, both Judy and the cat were nesting together on the sofa. Not long after that, Judy dozed off. Once Judy was asleep, the cat extricated itself from the blanket and padded off to either find a pencil and paper for writing a thank-you note or find something soft to shred to pieces with its claws.

—Mitchell Hegman

Twisted Logic

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

—Margaret Mead

“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.”

—Ogden Nash

“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.”

—Samuel Butler

Things Needing More Research

Following is a list of things I would like to research a bit more:

• When is it acceptable to use a dinner fork on your salad?
• On a scale of pain ranging from 1 to 10, is the dry splitting on the end of my thumb really a 9.9 as I suspect it is?
• How did XOXO become 'hugs and kisses'?
• From an exclusively scientific standpoint, which is more egregious: singing out-of-tune or singing the wrong lyrics?
• Shaken or stirred?
• If all good things come to an end, what is the fate of bad things?

—Mitchell Hegman

I Said a Dumb Thing

I said a dumb thing while chatting with a couple of guys in a box store checkout line earlier this week. While mentioning the warming weather (read any temperatures above freezing here), I said, “It feels like spring.”

I was immediately greeted by dubious looks from the other parties. “Wait,” I quickly amended, “I’m a Montana native. I know where we are on the calendar, and I know winter never really leaves. I’m just suggesting it feels pretty good out there today. The snow is even melting a little bit.”

For the last couple of days, temperatures have been tickling at the fifties. I know there is a snowstorm ready to pounce on us sooner rather than later, but I’m telling you, it feels like spring. And I am not alone in this; I even spotted a moth fluttering around outside the house at dusk yesterday evening.

—Mitchell Hegman

Moon Landing

The Odysseus lunar lander successfully landed at a site close to the moon's south pole. The moon's south polar region has long intrigued scientists because water, in the form of ice, is thought to be relatively abundant in the region's permanently shadowed craters.

The Odysseus moon lander, nicknamed “Odie,” is part of a private lunar exploration mission led by Intuitive Machines, a private company. It involves collaboration with government agencies like NASA, leveraging their expertise and resources for mission success. This partnership reflects a growing trend of public-private cooperation in space exploration, advancing humanity's capability to explore and utilize celestial bodies beyond Earth. The spacecraft is designed to assess the lunar environment ahead of NASA's plan to return a crewed mission to the moon through the Artemis program in late 2026.

The current push toward the “privatization” of space will surely accelerate space exploration, which I find thrilling. At the same time, privatization may also hasten space “exploitation.”

Odie

—Mitchell Hegman

The Warming Sun

The good sun warmed my arm as I stood near a window, watching the ever-migrating clouds. Not an unusual thing, that. But the warmth felt just like Desiree wrapping her arm around mine, as she often does at random times throughout the day. Naturally, I sought out Desiree after I left the window and kissed her cheek when I found her. She didn’t know, but it was not just me; it was also the sun.

—Mitchell Hegman

Peppers (The Way I Like Them)

I have never liked peppers. I don’t like the taste of bell peppers, and hot peppers are entirely out of the question for me. The other day, Desiree chopped up two hot peppers and sautéed them together with some garlic that had been hanging around for perhaps too long. Her idea was that she might use the results to season some dishes at a later date.

Something about the aged garlic produced a rather bitter taste in the end. “I don’t really like it,” Desiree admitted after sampling the garlic and pepper mix.

“So, don’t really want to use it for anything?” I asked.

“I don’t think so.”

“Do you want me to throw it outside for the critters?”

“Yes.”

“Now, that’s exactly the way I like my peppers!”

—Mitchell Hegman

Signs of Schizophrenia

It’s probably not a good idea to use the internet as a means for self-diagnosing medical issues. Between latching onto the wrong threads and overly simplified information, you can easily go down the rabbit hole. Even idling around can lead to trouble. For example, a link featuring the first signs of schizophrenia popped up when I was browsing the internet. Being the idiot that I am, I clicked on the link.

Here are some early signs of schizophrenia: social withdrawal, difficulties concentrating, unusual behaviors, and suspiciousness or paranoia. I mean, that’s me! I no longer like going to bars. I can’t remember why I went from one room to the next. Lately, I find myself bursting into song when I am alone in my house. And I doubt almost everything the twelve-year-old-looking clerks in hardware stores tell me about the coverage of the paint they are selling.

I am displaying the signs.

—Mitchell Hegman

Fear of Toothpicks

I got to thinking, after accidentally poking my lip with a toothpick: fear of toothpicks is entirely reasonable. My toothpicks, crafted from bamboo, boast exceptional sharpness and strength—enough to draw blood with a single slip. Now, I am not saying I have developed a full-blown fear of toothpicks (yet), but I am suggesting it has a fairly solid footing to build on. My fear of finding burnt tater tots in my bed… well, that’s another thing.

—Mitchell Hegman

Modest Bucket List

 Following is a bucket list of 'modest' things I would like to do:

• Witness a bat actually getting caught in someone’s hair.
• Successfully open one of the plastic bags pulled from the dispenser roll in the grocery produce section.
• Match every one of my Tupperware containers with a lid.
• Play some 'mean guitar' without having to take any lessons.
• Sleep one whole night through without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
• Successfully lobby a housepaint manufacturer to name a white paint color “just plain white.”
• Learn how to levitate.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Change in Priorities

Back in the days when I worked in town on a fixed schedule, my first priority following a snowfall was shoveling snow from the driveway in front of my garage.  Now that my schedule is relaxed, my first priority on the heels of a snowfall is to clear a narrow path to the hot tub.

—Mitchell Hegman

Chips

Shopping for furniture in a store that carries both furnishings and a limited selection of groceries makes for interesting outcomes.  I went into the store looking for a wardrobe cabinet but emerged with a bag of corn chips.    

—Mitchell Hegman

Out With the Trash

I try to operate under three simple rules: don’t attempt making a soufflé, don’t run with scissors, and don’t throw yourself out with the trash. Obviously, not everyone abides by my simple rules. A couple of weeks ago, for example, a woman in Manchester, New Hampshire, accidentally threw herself into the dumpster while emptying her trash. To make matters worse, shortly after the woman fell into the dumpster, a garbage truck picked up its contents (woman included) and sputtered off to continue its appointed rounds. Fortunately, at some point, neighbors heard the woman screaming from amid the trash inside the truck. The driver then spotted the woman with a camera trained on the contents of the truck and immediately called 911.

Though the trash within the truck had been compacted several times, the woman was conscious when rescued and taken to the hospital. I am left here wondering if she has ever tried her luck with a soufflé.

—Mitchell Hegman

Source: AP

An Early Valentine’s Day

Desiree and I celebrated Valentine’s Day a bit early by sharing a glass of sparkling almond wine last evening. The wine (which is on the champagne side of things) tasted surprisingly good.  I normally sip only a little champagne on celebratory occasions, finding the flavor and fizzle more an obligatory novelty than anything. Last night, I drank two glasses of the sparkling wine. Best of all, we chilled the wine outside in a snowbank alongside the back deck. We call this the “big refrigerator.”  There is a special satisfaction in pulling a bottle of wine from a snowbank in our winter landscape before pouring glasses for a toast.

Our Valentine’s Setting

The Big Refrigerator

Sparkling Almond Wine

—Mitchell Hegman

Morning Report: January 13, 2024

I wake up an hour earlier than normal and trudge to the kitchen to microwave a cup of yesterday’s coffee. Then, with heated coffee in hand, I plop on the living room sofa and stare at the ceiling, hoping a useful thought will develop. Sadly, my brain is filled with cobwebs and dust bunnies, and I remain a man who woke too early and is staring at the ceiling.

End of morning report.

—Mitchell Hegman

Tinker Bell Meets the Wright Brothers

Orville and Wilbur Wright were outside grilling a pair of T-bone steaks one afternoon when a sudden gust of wind swept Tinker Bell into their yard. The fairy unceremoniously crash-landed at Wilbur’s feet, crinkling her wings in the process.

Tinker Bell righted herself as quickly as possible. “Oh my!” she exclaimed, “I just fell on my ass there!”

“You just said ass,” exclaimed Wilbur, unable to contain his shock.

“Yeah, what of it?” Tinker Bell replied.

“You’re a fairy. Fairies are supposed to talk nice.”

Tinker Bell had, by this time, started to preen her wings. “Ass is a nice word, flyboy. Don’t be so delicate.”

Orville now stepped closer to Wilbur and peered down at Tinker Bell. “You’ll have to forgive my brother,” Orville said. “He can be a bit touchy, and he is definitely averse to flights like yours that terminate in a crash.”

“Well, such flights do suck,” Tinker Bell admitted.

“Now you said suck!” Wilbur huffed in distress.

“Don’t be such a Wilbur, Wilbur,” said Tinker Bell. With that stated, she lifted up and flew off to seek a more appropriate fairy tale.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Difficult Skill to Learn

While chatting with another electrician, we shared personal notes about some of the skills involved in our trade. In addition to grasping electrical theory and National Electrical Code provisions, an electrician needs to learn how to use a host of power and hand tools.

“You know what’s weird about tools,” I commented. “The most difficult skill for me to master was using a hacksaw to cut metal conduit. There is an art to it. You can go at it either too easily or too hard, and you can bust up your knuckles trying. It took a while to figure it out. A big part of the trick is figuring out a good way to hold the conduit in place while you are sawing it.”

Looking back, though it now sounds implausible, it took me the better part of a year to become fully efficient in using a hacksaw to cut ½-inch and ¾-inch conduit. Cutting conduit is much like golf in that it looks much easier than it really is.

—Mitchell Hegman

Football (The Big Game)

Football is a big deal around here. Tomorrow’s Super Bowl game is expected to break television viewership records. Due to some genetic flaw, I have never developed a taste for football. I have watched only one Super Bowl game in its entirety, and that was back in the early 1990s. Just for fun, I found and read a few quotes about football on the internet. I am sharing my four favorites:

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.”

—Bill Shankly

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.”

—John Heisman

“There are two times of year for me: Football season, and waiting for football season.”

—Darius Rucker

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

—Erma Bombeck

Jason Meets a Rabbit

While walking alongside a busy street, Jason chanced upon a small perfectly white rabbit. Jason halted near the rabbit. “What are you doing alongside a busy street?” Jason asked the rabbit. “Shouldn’t you be in the woods?”

“I’m a city rabbit,” The bunny responded.

“I have never heard of such a thing,” said Jason.

“Okay, you got me. I’d rather be in the woods, but I’m stuck here in pre-release.”

“Pre-release?” Jason huffed. “Why would you be in pre-release? What could you have possibly done? You’re a bunny rabbit.”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I got busted for impersonating a duck.”

Jason frowned. “I don’t get it. Why is that a thing?”

“Think about it, dude,” said the rabbit. “Impersonating a duck is fowl play.”

—Mitchell Hegman

Hat Snow

In my region of the Rocky Mountains, we see every type of snow imaginable: powder, graupel, crust, slush, and so forth. On one occasion, I witnessed thundersnow, where thunder rumbled mightily during a sudden snowsquall that befell the foothills of the Elkhorn Mountains. Yesterday, we received a healthy dose of what I call “hat snow.”

Hat snow, as the name implies, drops a white hat on virtually every freestanding thing in sight. I find this type of snow especially lovely. Hat snow dresses the entire landscape, from head to toe, in white. It softens all hard edges. I am sharing a photograph of hat snow collected on some of last year’s dead-standing flowers just off my back deck.

Hat Snow on Last Summer’s Flowers

—Mitchell Hegman

Misfortune Cookies

Following are a few “misfortune” cookie quotes I have worked out:

• Your ignorance will be a blessing to someone other than you.
• An old friend will offer you financial advice, but if you follow it, you may end up in jail.
• You will sacrifice a thumbnail but finish a carpentry project.
• Embracing your lack of common sense is your only path to happiness.
• To prosper, try getting an actual job.
• You will soon fail in a unique way.
• All things will become clear once they no longer matter.
• You are surrounded by good people, but they dislike you.

—Mitchell Hegman

Electricity and Love

Electricity and love are similar in that they both follow any and all paths provided to them.

—Mitchell Hegman

Tasks

I am not certain if I should classify this as a skill, but I am pretty good at making easy tasks appear much more challenging than they really are.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Dead Raven

I spotted a dead raven alongside the road. The raven’s body was folded, wings included, into a neat black bundle with exception of the legs, which protruded stiffly and conspicuously from the black bundle. Even in death, the raven’s feathers remained shiny and iridescent.

I have no use for a dead raven. And, really, I don’t have any particular use for a live one. But I continued to think about the bird long after the sight of it smeared into the landscape falling way in my rearview mirror. The death of anything and everything has a specific gravitational pull that tugs at you, clings to you as you pass by. 

—Mitchell Hegman

Very Bad, But Good

I have a book of poetry bearing the title “Very Bad Poetry.” The book is filled with overwrought, rhymed, and metered verse. Included in the book is a poem about a giant block of cheese. There is also a poem about tooth decay. Every so often, I pull the book from my poetry shelf and read a poem or two. Very bad, these poems. But good, not finding one of my own free verse poems included there.

I press on, taking one small (maybe unlikely) victory at a time.

—Mitchell Hegman

Adult Education

In some ways, adult education is no different from teaching a kindergarten class—especially when hands-on activities are involved. In a kindergarten class, you can expect a few kids to begin eating the paste as soon as it is opened up for an art project. In an adult education course about digital multimeters, you can expect attendees to start measuring the ohm (resistance) values of everything within reach once you hand out the meters.

Today, I am sharing a photograph of two of my students connecting the graphite in two carpenter's pencils and capturing an ohm measurement. While this might stray a bit from my class presentation, learning is taking place. I like it.

Measuring the Resistance Value of Pencils

—Mitchell Hegman

Another Random Thought

Watching people drinking beer and carrying on at Oktoberfest makes a lot more sense if, like me, you grew up in East Helena, Montana, with Central European (Bohunk) smelter workers.

—Mitchell Hegman