To Eat Beautifully

“You don’t eat beautifully,” said the woman sitting across the table from me.

“What?” I asked.

Let’s stop here for a moment.

I grew up in East Helena, Montana.  I, and most of my friends, learned what I would consider decent table manners.  Naturally, a few of us became outliers in the realm of good manners.  I know a few slurpers.  I have also been exposed to my share of double-dippers, finger-lickers, and (cringe) two fellas not opposed to pulling a plate up to their face and licking it.

But I am no outlier.

So…let’s start over.

Several years ago, while at dinner in a quiet restaurant, the woman sitting across the table from me said: “You don’t eat beautifully.”

“What?” I asked.  I was a bit stunned.

“You should learn to eat beautifully.  You make noise.  Sometimes, I can hear the fork click against your teeth.”

“That’s a problem?”

“It’s not beautiful.”

“Okay.  Thank you.”

As I mentioned, this conversation occurred many years ago.

I must admit, beyond that night I have not made efforts to eat beautifully.

—Mitchell Hegman