About the Weather

Kevin is to blame.

We need to start with his beard.  Kevin’s beard is free-ranging.  When he grows a beard, he unplugs his razor for long periods of time and allows his whiskers to expand unchecked—like a weird new universe.

So, here is the deal.  Our long range forecasts have recently been revised.  Temperatures are spiraling downward.  Snow will be tossed in our faces

We should, at this time, be shedding jackets and stretching our arms in the sun.  I should be watching the blue skies to sight my first bluebird of the year.

Instead: -1° Fahrenheit.  Light snow sifting down from grey clouds.

So I called Kevin.  “Kevin,” I asked, “what in the hell did you do to break our weather?  It’s broken.  We are way colder than we should be.  This has to be your fault.”

Without pausing, he says to me: “It’s my fault.  I admit it.  A while back, I bought a new electric razor to shave my beard because we were going to start warming up for spring.”

“That would do it.  This is Montana, pal, you can’t just plan on shaving your beard all willy-nilly like that.  Not because the calendar says so.  The weather will not stand for that.”

“I should have known better,” he admitted.

“Right?”  I laughed.  “You should have been a little more patient.”

After hanging up the phone, I grabbed a broom and went out to sweep a dusting of snow off my deck.

Maybe if I stopped shaving…

—Mitchell Hegman