Seeking Volunteers

Recently, the police department in Kutztown Borough, Pennsylvania, a small borough with a population of slightly over 5,000, posted a request for volunteers on Facebook.  The department was seeking three people to get drunk.

Yes, they were.

The Kutztown Police Department required three volunteers to knowingly drink to the point of inebriation.  These fine volunteers would then be used to “assist” in training new police officers learning to administer Standardized Field Sobriety Tests.

Within a short time, the borough’s Facebook post was shared some 1,400 times and the police department was quickly awash with enthusiastic volunteers.

Had this same stunt been attempted in my hometown of East Helena, Montana, results would have been far more dramatic.  By dramatic, I mean total system chaos.  We would have seen servers crashing and throngs of volunteers at the police department’s doors.  Following that, local taverns would have been overrun by bitter rejects seeking solace in a glass of beer, perhaps a sip of rum.

Some interesting questions also flooded the Kutztown Police Department’s social media page.

“Is there a spectator area?” someone queried.

“Will this count as credit of my community service?” asked another.

I don’t drink to the point of inebriation these days, but had I volunteered, I would have asked: “Do you think it’s possible you could supply me with a sip of 1964 Glenlivet Single Malt Scotch for this experiment?”

I found a bottle of the 50 year old Scotch online selling for only $24,999.00.

For that, I would volunteer.

I would even be willing to find my way to Pennsylvania.

—Mitchell Hegman