I, MITCHELL GEORGE HEGMAN, of the planet Earth, state of Confusion, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my New Year’s Resolution, hereby, thereby, ____________ (fill in the blank-by), revoking (at least violating) my prior Resolutions and Better Intentions.
I declare that I am of sound mind, with the possible irrational exception of, on occasion, intentionally trotting around the inside of my dwelling wearing only a single black sock on my left foot (while otherwise nude), at the end of a long muddy road within low hills filled with sage and juniper; and that I have one white sock and a Led Zeppelin hoodie from a previous life. The word “hoodie” as used in this will mean Led Zeppelin, the rock band, not a big, fat cigar-shaped dirigible. The word “kogic,” if used, shall be ignored as I was probably attempting to write “logic” but tapped the wrong key.
A. I RESOLVE TO, from the 1st day of January until the 31st day of March, step outside and listen the lake-ice moan and cry at least once each evening and try to interpret the sounds as if they were communication songs as sung by blue whales. I FURTHER RESOLVE TO determine how to interpret blue whale songs.
B. I RESOLVE TO employ only kogic and not emotion in relationships in which finances or twice-baked beans are involved.
C. I RESOLVE TO find one of those “Mean People Suck” bumper stickers and affix said sticker to my Chevrolet automobile.
D. I RESOLVE TO determine why capital letters are so overused in legal documents.
E. I RESOLVE TO live a little each day.
This instrument shall be construed under the Third Law of Thermodynamics and shall, therefore, allow for diminishing application in accordance relative temperatures, etc.
IN WITLESSNESS WHEREOF, I MITCHELL GEORGE HEGMAN, the testator, sign my name to this instrument on this ______ day of __________________, and being first duly sworn, do hereby, whereby, nearby declare that I sign this, after having imbibed a glass of Scotch and eaten king crab, willingly, and that I execute this instrument as my free and voluntary act and that I am 50 + 5 years of age, reasonably good-looking, not particularly sane, hairy in all the wrong places, fond of vinegar, and probably unwilling to abide by any of the aforementioned ARTICLES.