Weird Winter

I am staying in Three Forks at present and driving from here to Bozeman for some training. I am presenting at the MSU Weatherization Training Center. A couple of weeks ago, we were pushing temperatures at less than -40°F; yesterday, we pushed above 50°F. Great Falls and Billings rose into the 60s.

Montana weather is weird like that. Such wild swings in temperature could actually kill a lot of plants that grow in the Arctic. A few days of warm temperatures might fool them into thinking spring was here, only leading them to get socked in the face when the next cold snap arrives. Montana plants are a bit more patient and practical. They know, as I do, winter is standing around the corner of the next building, waiting to jump out and smack us again as we pass by.

—Mitchell Hegman

New Ways to Call Someone Simple

• Her buttons don’t align fully with the holes.
• The deep end of his pool is a bit shallow.
• She’s always tried to knit with just one needle.
• Half the time, his tachometer deflects in the wrong direction.
• She’s clicking on the wrong icon.
• He’s not listening to a full playlist.

—Mitchell Hegman

Twenty Days

Desiree and I finally finished the most difficult jigsaw puzzle we have ever attempted. The puzzle, featuring a photograph from Glacier National Park, was made exceptionally challenging by constantly repeating patterns and blotchy colors. When I first started the puzzle, I imagined the grass would be the most difficult. Instead, the larger tree trunks and the branchy areas proved tricky.

It took Desiree and me 20 days to put together all 1000 pieces, which equates to 50 pieces per day. In reality, we completed the puzzle in fits and starts. On some days, midway through the process, we struggled to place a dozen pieces.

I am sharing a photograph of our completed puzzle. I told Desiree we need to give our brains a break on the next puzzle. To that end, I have my eye on a 48-piece puzzle designed for children ages 3+.

Finished Puzzle

48-Piece Puzzle

—Mitchell Hegman

Scotch and Broccoli

As I sipped at a wee dram of Balvenie DoubleWood single malt Scotch while chopping sweet onions and broccoli in preparation for baking them together in a dish, I realized this is not how I pictured myself turning out when I thought about my future as a kid. Originally, I was going to be a rock star, but that faded out when I realized I might need to learn to play a guitar.  I next moved on to the idea of being an archeologist or paleontologist. But… college, nope.

So, I became a working guy. Now, here I am, actually liking both Scotch and broccoli (which I hated as a kid).  Life is funny that way, eventually the booze and vegetables will catch up with you.

—Mitchell Hegman

Getting Easier

A host of things get harder as you get older.  Running and jumping are more difficult. Remembering people’s names. Opening jars. But I am finding one thing increasingly easier, and that thing is telling my longtime friends that I love them. What makes this more rewarding is that my friends say the same to me. At the end of phone conversations or time spent together, I and many of my friends commonly part by saying, “Love you, man.” Most importantly, many years of sincerity lay behind it.

—Mitchell Hegman

Flightless

Penguins, as most folks know, are flightless birds that register far on the cute side of things. They would most certainly be welcome at the birthday party for a five-year-old child or a garden party. That said, they are not particularly welcome on the airport tarmac.

A couple of days ago, a plane was delayed for take-off at New Zealand's Wellington International Airport when a blue penguin waddled onto the tarmac there. The bird, a 6-week-old fledgling, remained on the runway until airport staff scurried out to capture it. The pilots and passengers on the plane waited without complaint until the runway was cleared.

Living in Montana, I appreciate this kind of delay, having been forced to stop on the highway countless times to allow elk, deer, cattle, sheep, and even a duck or two to clear the road. Once, a passenger train I was riding nearly came to a full stop when encountering a handful of cattle milling about the tracks near Browning, Montana. I recall this one rather fondly.

—Mitchell Hegman

Source and Photo: UPI

The Rifle

Among the things I moved back into my master bedroom was my .22 rifle. Growing up in the Montana of my youth, a lot of boys I knew were given a .22 rifle by the time they reached the age of twelve or so. I had moved in to live with my grandparents by that age, and they, instead of my parents, gave me the rifle.

In moving back into my bedroom, I came across the rifle again. Looking upon it, I thought about the trust my grandparents placed in me by presenting me with the rifle. This gift was a rite of passage in the old Montana way.

My .22 Rifle

—Mitchell Hegman

Project Complete

I started a remodel of the master bedroom in my house in May of 2023. Progress on the project was, by design, sporadic and slow because all of the framing and wiring took place while the room remained occupied. We moved everything out of the bedroom in the first week of December and then started the finish work on the project.

Yesterday, a “carpet kicker” tore out the old carpet and laid new carpet in the room. Desiree and I began moving back in as soon as the carpet layer pulled out from our driveway and drove off into the snowscape.

Ceiling Framing, 5-15-2023

The Master Bedroom, 1-23-2024

—Mitchell Hegman

Around Midnight

Around midnight last night, a warm air mass eased into my corner of the valley. While this is generally a pleasant thing during the wintry month of January, the change in temperature brought me awake last night. Mind you, the temperature itself didn’t wake me; the snow did. The warmth melted rafts of snow on my metal roof, allowing them to slide off and hit the ground.

At such late hours of the night, the sound makes a profound impression. One of the larger releases at the sunroom sounded like a mini-excavator sliding from the roof and hitting the ground. This is not good for sleeping.

—Mitchell Hegman

And Your Hair!

While stooping down look at something in a grocery store, Desiree heard a small voice say, “Ma’am.”  She didn’t look around or acknowledge, thinking someone else was being addressed.  A moment later a light hand pressed against Desiree’s shoulder, “Hello, Ma’am.”

Glancing up, Desiree found a curly-haired boy of about four standing there.  “Oh, hello,” she responded.

The boy appraised Desiree for a moment.  “You are SO beautiful!” he told her.

“Thank you!” said Desiree.

“And your hair!” added the boy while reaching out with his hand to feel her long black tresses.

Naturally, Desiree more or less melted right there on the spot and we can fairly say this made her entire month worthwhile.  When she later relayed the story to me, she still glowed with pleasure. “Well,” I said, “the kid is not wrong.”      

—Mitchell Hegman

Punching Out

While prepping for a class at the venue where I would be teaching a continuing education course, I located a three-hole punch and punched a stack of printed pages so I could insert them in three-ring binders. As a socially responsible type, I picked up the hole punch once I finished using it, and started walking toward the nearest trash bin so I could empty out the chads I had punched from the paper. After taking a half-dozen paces, something at my feet caught my eye.

Yep, you guessed it, the chads had been pouring out from the base of the punch (like fairy dust on steroids) from the moment I grabbed it from the table. I had left a wide swath of chads on the carpet behind me.

Adulting can be difficult, this being a perfect case in point.  So, off I went to locate a vacuum cleaner.

Chads on the Carpet

—Mitchell Hegman

Not Interested in Mating

I am not keen on cohabitating with spiders. Given that, I poked around a bit on the interweb to see what kind of things attract them to your house. I was hoping I would find something telling me that spiders were super attracted to mayonnaise and mustard, which would give me a good reason to never have them in my house. Yuck on those, too! The truth, unfortunately, is much more mundane. Spiders, it turns out, like a house for pretty much the same reasons we do. It’s a warm, safe place where food can be found. One brief article also suggested spiders may be looking for mating opportunities. Let me be clear about this: I am not interested in mating with a spider.

—Mitchell Hegman

Something P. J. O'Rourke Said

--- “Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”

--- “You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”

--- “People love to be told what they know already.”

What I Saw Instead of Her Face

When I glanced over at Desiree, I didn’t see her face. Instead, I saw the two of us in a pleasant hours-long conversation. I saw us skipping rocks at the lake shore and planting an apple tree and driving high into a range of handsome mountains. I saw us gleaning clear blue sapphires from fine gravel and making tracks side-by-side across fresh white snow on a day of pure sunshine.

—Mitchell Hegman

Observation #172

After watching enough episodes of Forensic Files, I have figured something out: married men who have affairs with either exotic dancers or aerobics instructors need to be suspect number one in cases where their spouse has been murdered.

—Mitchell Hegman

Moments Frozen in Time

I have, given our recent impulse of Arctic weather, commented on the potentially deadly nature of sub-zero temperatures. But awe-inspiring beauty can also be found in a frozen landscape. As a case in point, I am sharing two photographs Desiree captured of me throwing hot (freshly boiled) water into the air when the temperature is at -25°F.

Water boils at approximately 204°F at my altitude. Assuming the water had cooled to an even 200°F by the time I pitched it into the air outside, that makes for 225 degrees of difference between the air and the water. The results are otherworldly and spectacular.

Moments Frozen in Time

—Mitchell Hegman

NOTE: Desiree has posted slow-motion videos of the same events on Facebook and Montanica

A Misquote

Weirdly enough, one of Marks Twain’s most famous quotes is something that appears to be falsely attributed to him.  The quote in question is this: “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."

I’m not terribly bothered by the fact Twain didn’t say that, but it’s obvious that whoever is responsible never spent a January in Cut Bank, Montana.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Lemon Tree at -40 Degrees

Yesterday, on a morning drive into town, the thermometer on my truck registered an outside temperature of -40F. In my hometown of East Helena, Montana, that’s cold enough to prompt us to drag out an extension cord and plug in our car to keep it warm enough to start. Upon arrival back home, I stepped into the sunroom to shake off the cold and say a few words to my lemon tree, which started another growth spell a couple weeks ago. The tree is growing several offshoot branches now, some of which have reached a length of eight inches or so and show no sign of stopping at that.   

Even during sub-zero temperatures, the lemon tree carries on happily in its climate-controlled space. And yesterday, in spite of the chill outside, the sun warmed the room impressively. I have shared a photograph of the lemon tree (while holding the requisite Cold Smoke Beer for a size comparison). I have also shared a photograph of the temperature display from my truck.

The Lemon Tree

My Truck Showing -40F

—Mitchell Hegman

Below Zero

As I write this, the temperature outside my house is -32°F. That’s a weird temperature. And by weird, I mean it creates a sensory overload. When the temperatures plunge into the sub-zero range, a host of changes take place. Inside my house, you can “feel” the frigid air at the windows when you get near them. You don’t exactly get cold, but you can sense the cold there on the other side of the glass. My house also “cracks its knuckles” as it hunkers down to accept the cold and the framing contracts a little.

Outside, the cold wind stings your face. If you touch metal with exposed skin, it feels like a burn.  Sounds travel farther and seem a bit sharper. Packed snow squeaks underfoot. The lake ice squeals and pings. And, mostly, this is potentially deadly cold. According to emedicinehealth.com, at -30°F hypothermia can occur in about 10 minutes. Death can occur in under an hour in these extremely cold conditions. 

—Mitchell Hegman

The Puzzle Problem

Desiree and I have a puzzle problem. Well, to be fair, this might be more our problem and not the puzzle’s. Four days ago, we broke open a new 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle featuring an image from Glacier National Park. At this point, I am finding this to be the most difficult puzzle I have tackled. The mottled colors and naturally repeating patterns of grass, trees, and rocks make finding and placing pieces extremely difficult. We managed to finish the edge pieces and complete a few more obvious sections in the first two days. In the last two days, however, we have managed only 25 or so pieces each day.

At this point, I would guess we have put together about 250 pieces. Given a rate of 25 pieces per day, it will take us another full month to finish the puzzle.  If that’s what it takes, so be it.  We are all in!

     

Glacier National Park Puzzle

—Mitchell Hegman

Sacred Places

Some people desire to travel to the Holy Land to see for themselves the place from which Christianity emerged. Others are drawn to Greece to tour the cradle of Western Civilization. As for me, I really want to go to Scotland to see where my Scotch is made.

The Balvenie Distillery

—Mitchell Hegman

Finding a Parking Spot

I suspect finding a parking space is something of a universal problem. In congested cities, the issue is trying to beat the other cars roving the lots on a hunt to find the next empty spot. In places like my hometown of East Helena, Montana, the problem is slightly different. Here, you need to beat tumbleweeds to the best spots.

Parking in East Helena

—Mitchell Hegman

Desiree’s Chocolates

I am not a dedicated chocolate eater. I don’t like chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, Oreo cookies, or brownies. I do like most chocolate candies to one degree or another.

For Christmas, one of Desiree’s friends gifted her with a box of chocolates. In the time since, I have moved the box here and there when it occupied space I needed, but I never bothered to open it. Yesterday, when I picked up the box one more time to move it, I found it suspiciously light in weight. Upon opening the box, I found only one chocolate treat remaining. I considered eating the chocolate, but I really wasn’t feeling the urge. Instead, I handed the last chocolate over to Desiree. The box, after all, had her name on it. And then I started craving something savory. Dill pickles soon came to mind.

Desiree’s Chocolates

—Mitchell Hegman

My Baking

As a general rule, I leave all baking to Desiree. There is one notable exception: dirt.

I bake the dirt.

Yesterday, I baked four batches of soil I emptied from some old planters in which a variety of plants had grown and were either harvested or had died off on their own, just to be annoying.

The idea behind baking the dirt is to kill off any bugs or diseases that might persist when we plant something new in the pots. To that end, the ideal temperature is somewhere near 180 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes. Notably, soil is no different from pastries; you don’t want to burn the product. You can actually cause harm to plants if you burn the soil due to changes in how it holds moisture.

But let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the smell of dirt baking in the oven. If my dirt turns out okay, I may take a stab at cream puffs.

Dirt in the Oven

—Mitchell Hegman

Me and Mine

For whatever reason, a song called “Me and Mine” by a band called The Brothers Bright has been rolling around in my head for the better part of the last two days. But perhaps, “rolling around” fails to adequately describe the way this song works. It has a bit of kick in it.

So, here goes… from my head to yours:

—Mitchell Hegman

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neCS21rPTHU 

The Freezer

Our old-timey upright freezer is due for replacement. While it freezes items well enough, it builds up thick layers of frost quickly. We purchased a replacement and are now preparing to swap our frozen goods between them. At present, the new freezer is acclimating to the house in the dining room. I will unbox it later today, push it back into the laundry room alongside the old freezer, and plug it in to cool it down. In a day or so, we will swap goods.

It's weird having a new freezer just standing in your dining room. It’s a hulking presence. I have lived with a half dozen cats over the years. All of them were wary of any new box I brought into the house. The bigger the box, the more cautious the cats. I can only imagine how they might react to this. This is the stuff cat horror stories are made of.

The Freezer

—Mitchell Hegman

Bits of Friendly Advice

Since we are at the outset of another year, I thought it might be a good time to offer a few bits of friendly advice. Here goes:

1. Don’t try to pronounce the word "vicissitude" if you have had more than two mixed drinks.
2. Remember, paying attention is not only free, but it’s also good for a marriage.
3. You can take a run at Dylan if you don’t sing well, but leave Adele to the pros.
4. The voices in your head will not be silenced by earplugs.
5. In Montana, we don’t use the phrase “normal weather.”
6. Leave a half-full glass of water in every room of the house—that way, whenever you walk into a room and forget why you did so, you can grab the glass and return it to the kitchen, giving you a reason to be there.

—Mitchell Hegman

Parking Lot Report

Here is what I witnessed at a local grocery parking lot:

Immediately after I pulled into a parking spot, a man pushed a shopping cart into an empty space near a truck with California license plates directly in front of me. As I watched, the man pulled his goods from the cart, shoved them inside his truck, and then rolled out of the parking lot, leaving his cart blocking access to an open parking spot.

I shook my head while tamping down a few bad words that rushed into my mind. Not more than a few seconds later, a man driving an SUV with Montana plates swooped into the spot alongside the cart. The man hopped from his car, latched onto the cart, and pushed it into a nearby cart collection corral on his way to the store.

End of parking lot report.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Montana Thing

Desiree grew up in a town called Bayawan on the Island of Negros in the Philippines. Bayawan supports a population roughly the same size as Billings, Montana. That’s not a particularly big place in the scheme of things. Remarkably enough, Desiree chanced to bump into another woman living here in Helena who is also from Bayawan. After meeting, the girls engaged in what is a typical Montana thing—you know—that thing where you talk about people you know in common.

I captured a picture of the girls after their meeting. Good stuff, this.

Two Girls from the Same Town

—Mitchell Hegman

Putting Montana Together

Desiree and I are putting together a jigsaw puzzle of Montana. As a Montana native, the process is satisfying because I can pick up pieces and immediately recognize the town, mountain range, and know, generally, where they must be placed. At the same time, I enjoy imagining how Montana would function in the incomplete state of construction as it presently exists on my dining room table. I imagine water pooling in the places where I have failed to connect together sections of the Missouri River. How would the citizens of Missoula feel knowing I have yet to put half of the town in place? What if I put together a few pieces in the wrong way for U.S. Highway 2, and it suddenly came to a dead end along Montana’s Hi-Line? Hopefully, when we reach the end of this venture, a piece of Montana is not missing. We need all of it.

Montana (the Puzzle) 

—Mitchell Hegman

Welcome to 2024

So begins another year.  I have only one small resolution for 2024, and that is to wear the party glasses Desiree bought us at every chance I get.  Posted below, is a photograph of Desiree and me wearing our glasses while sharing a seafood dinner on New Year’s Eve.

Cheers!

Happy New Year to everyone!

 —Mitchell Hegman