Two-Part Post

Part I:

Both life in general and specifically watching Celine Dion sing became notably easier for me when I simply learned to accept that some people have inordinately long necks.

Part II:

Post-norovirus motto: Embrace sanitizer.

—Mitchell Hegman

Planting Photographs

Stumbling, as I am, from a bout with norovirus, I have been cat-napping at various points throughout the last two days. Naturally, this has allowed me to catch my share of weird dreams. I am particularly irritated that I woke before one dream properly ended. In the dream, two children and I were digging holes in the earth and planting photographs we liked so they would grow into something beautiful. The children preferred photographs of smiling people, and I preferred sunny landscapes. I want back in that dream so I can see what the photographs grew into.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Rapid (Often Violent) Weight Loss Program

I just lost four pounds in less than two days—thanks to a rapid (often violent) weight loss program known as norovirus. If you are unfamiliar, norovirus is a highly contagious virus that causes vomiting and diarrhea. It sometimes goes by the garish nickname “winter vomiting disease.”

The nickname fits this ailment well. I actually expelled my contents from both ends simultaneously. Effective, but not pretty. Norovirus, in addition to being highly contagious, has no treatment other than letting it run its course. The illness comes on quickly but slow-walks away when leaving.

I don’t recommend norovirus as a means for controlling weight. In fact, I don’t recommend it for anything. Furthermore, I will be hiding out for the next few days to ensure I don’t spread the dread disease.

—Mitchell Hegman

Another Guinness World Record

Years ago, I tried my hand at crocheting. My efforts lasted for something around thirty to forty seconds. Between the hook and the yarn, I was all thumbs. I learned at that time that I can unravel with the best of them, but stitching is not my thing.

For me, thirty or so seconds of crocheting proved enough for a lifetime. Not so for Alessandra Hayden of Gig Harbor, Washington. Back in early November, Alessandra shattered the Guinness World Record for the longest marathon crocheting. Okay, “shattered” may be too strong a word for a crocheting record. Let’s go with “piffed.” She piffed the world record.

Anyhow, to reach the new record, Alessandra worked her yarn for 34 hours, seven minutes. After her long hours, she produced a blanket. That’s at least more rewarding and practical than breaking the record for placing snails on your face. If you want to take a run at that one, you will need to place more than 43 snails on your face and keep them there for 10 seconds.

I am a little interested in that one.

Source and Photo: UPI

—Mitchell Hegman

Time Remaining: 1:15

I have an old-timey electric range in my kitchen. It's thirty-two years old and equipped with the most rudimentary electronics. The clock/timer will display only one function (either clock or timer) at a time and is controlled by two buttons and a small dial. Simple.

Yesterday, I decided to stop baking and pull a small batch of tater tots from the oven with the timer still showing 1:15 (one minute and fifteen seconds). I quickly pressed the timer cancel button, which issued a beep, but 1:15 remained on the digital display.

I pressed to cancel again. A tone issued once more, but the display continued to show 1:15.

I pressed the button again with the same result. And again. And again.

Just about when I was about to lapse into a full-on conniption fit, my eye caught the time on the nearby microwave: 1:15.

My Old-Timey Range

—Mitchell Hegman

Dream On

A friend of mine recently sent me the link for a video featuring Mr. Chicken performing the Aerosmith song “Dream On.” The video is silly and irreverent and pleases me way more than it should. Today, I am sharing the video here. Take one minute and twenty-seven seconds out of your day to enjoy a rubber chicken’s rendering of a rock classic.

—Mitchell Hegman

SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSTsZFbN8rg 

Gizzard

 I like to say “gizzard.” It’s a word I could have invented as a kid. For one thing, it has two Zs, which is exceptional. I also appreciate the way the syllables work on your tongue. “Gizzard” very nearly sounds like a curse.

Anyhow, I got to say the word to Desiree while talking about cooking her first-ever turkey. “Desiree,” I said, "I am going to help you avoid a rookie mistake. You need to take the giblets out from inside the turkey – you know, the gizzard and neck and stuff. A lot of people don’t know they are inside and leave them there when they cook the bird. It’s kinda funny.”

Desiree thought for a moment and then asked, “Why do they give them to you with the turkey? They don’t always with chickens.”

“Beats me. Maybe just to confuse us. But I like a gizzard now and then.”

There. I got to say “gizzard” twice.

—Mitchell Hegman

Approaching Thanksgiving

As we approach Thanksgiving, I think about something a friend of mine did. He happened to attend an Independence Day celebration on the 4th of July with a married couple from Great Britain. As fireworks exploded into bright colors in the sky above, my friend lightly elbowed the English gentleman. “I don’t expect you have much of a celebration for the fourth where you come from,” he said.

Short answer: “Nope.”

While Independence Day celebrates our original colonies becoming a separate nation, Thanksgiving celebrates the gathering together of friends, neighbors, and family. A host of countries have similar celebrations. And, frankly, I think any country that doesn’t have a Thanksgiving Day (or equivalent) should adopt one.

This Thanksgiving will be Desiree’s second one since arriving here in the United States, and she is fully invested. We will be hosting a small gathering. Desiree will cook her first-ever turkey. And, in a perfectly Filipino twist, our house is already decked out for Christmas.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Telling Answer

Which of the following answers best expresses the reason you take soap and shampoo from hotel rooms?

a.   ___ Because I like the brand.

b.   ___ Because, hey, I paid for those.

c.   ___ Because I am frugal.

d.   ___ Because I like the miniature sizes for packing.

I am mostly about the brand.

—Mitchell Hegman

Hoya Watering System

We have “his” and “hers” houseplants in our home. What that really means is that I had six plants before Desiree landed here in Montana. These are the “his” plants, and I continue to care for them. Since her arrival, Desiree has added some 12 to 15 thousand new plants (at least it seems like that many). These are the “hers” plants, and Desiree has assumed care of them.

Yesterday was watering day for the “his” plants. In a recent installment of this blog, I mentioned that my hoya (a “his” plant) is undergoing a tremendous growth stage right now. What I neglected to mention is that the hoya’s vines have completely sheathed the planter. The vines are so intertwined and tough to spread apart that I had to invent a watering system to reach the soil in the planter. I went with something simple: a long funnel.

I am sharing two photographs featuring my hoya watering system:

The Hoya with the Funnel in Place

Me and My Funnel

—Mitchell Hegman

Don’t in Montana

• Don’t tell anyone you think knapweed is pretty. 
• Don’t covet thy neighbor’s backhoe.
• Don’t call antlered deer “bulls.”
• Don’t badmouth the Irish while in Butte.
• Don’t say you don’t like either the Cats or the Griz
• Don’t offer a dull knife.
• Don’t call Helena “Hel-eee-na.”
• Don’t feed the bears.

—Mitchell Hegman

Ankissipation

I am the first one up in the morning here at the Hegman household.  Desiree typically sleeps in for an hour or two.  If I need to wake her for any reason, I sneak into the bedroom and do so with a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek or forehead.  Just thinking about waking Desiree with a kiss is pleasurable.  I have even come up with a word for it: “ankissipation.”  It’s first cousin to “anticipation” but has a kiss added for a gratifying twist.

—Mitchell Hegman

If You Can’t Save the Whales

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.”

— Mae West

 

“The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.”

— Paul R. Ehrlich

 

“Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.”

— George Bernard Shaw

 

“The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.”

— H. L. Mencken

Tintinnabulation

Fortunately, I have never used the word “tintinnabulation” in conversation in my entire life. I don’t recall ever using this word in anything I have written, either. I do recall reading the word in a novel and having to stop so I could look up the meaning in an old-timey unabridged dictionary – you know, the big book teachers made bratty kids hold over their heads when they disrupted class.

In the event you are unfamiliar with “tintinnabulation,” it is a noun representing a ringing or tinkling sound. This is not a word that exactly rolls off the tongue and actually strikes me as something that might have been invented by a committee of drunken metallurgists.

Frankly, I think the word “tinkling” is just fine and doesn’t need any help from tintinnabulation. And tinkling also has the added benefit of providing the following double entendre: “I tinkled when I went outside.” Anyhow, tintinnabulation popped into my head while I was, of all things, chopping onions and more or less crying. And now I am thinking we can run with the word tinkling from here and throw tintinnabulation out with the onion skins.

—Mitchell Hegman

Fatally Flawed

Desiree and I spent another early evening scratching through sapphire pay gravel, seeking a sapphire worth faceting and setting in a ring. We found plenty of small stones. We also found one of the largest sapphires I have seen in a while, but the large stone is fatally flawed.

I am sharing two photographs from our latest efforts. To be continued…

The Entire Collection

Fatally Flawed

—Mitchell Hegman

Seeking New Territories

Hoya plants, known for their vining nature, produce long, trailing stems that develop aerial roots, enabling them to latch onto various surfaces and expand their territory. As these roots establish contact with new substrates, hoya plants efficiently colonize and thrive in new territories.

Something over a year ago, Desiree and I dragged the plant from our living room into the sunroom and provided it with a few footholds.  After a couple months in mild shock, the plant perked up and grew modestly.  About three weeks ago, the hoya kicked into an epic growth spurt and is now making another grab for more real estate. More than a dozen new runners have shot out from the plant and are reaching out to grasp anything within reach.

The Hoya 

Hoya Runners Reaching Out

—Mitchell Hegman

A Recurring Thought

Somewhere between good and bad lies a huge stack of potato chips I would love to adopt as my own.

—Mitchell Hegman

From Crick to Ditch

Apparently, there is something in the water here in Montana.  Those of us growing up here end up with two extremely specific quirks relative to water.  One is pronouncing the word “creek” as “crick.”  Used in a sentence: “Mitch, let’s go crick fishin’.”

The second quirk is something you’ll here in the local tavern: “Hey barkeep, why don’t ya fix me up a whiskey ditch?”   A ditch, in this case, is adding a splash of water to your whiskey.

—Mitchell Hegman

Insignificant

I learned something the other day that has been bothering me ever since.  I read that if our Solar System were the size of a quarter, the Sun and orbiting planets would be no more than microscopic specks of dust with orbits represented by the flat disc of the coin. On this scale, the diameter of our Milky Way galaxy holding us is roughly the size of the United States.  

Given that we are surrounded by billions of distant galaxies, how insignificant does that make us?

—Mitchell Hegman

The Possible Bag

I think most houses have a “catch-all” or “junk” drawer in the kitchen.  It’s the place where you are likely to find almost anything: matches, a flashlight, screw drivers, batteries, and on in any direction you can imagine.

My neighbor, Kevin, has a standard kitchen junk drawer, but also has something a bit more exotic: a “possible bag.”  A possible bag is a bit more specific. In the days of the mountain man, a "possibles bag" was their most valuable asset.  Within the bag, these early explorers carried everything they possibly needed for the day: black powder, powder measurer, flint and steel, lead balls and patch, a patch knife, and a skinning knife, as well as other personal items.

Kevin is not a mountain man (though sometimes a little rough around the edges).  The bag, and three muzzleloading firearms belonged to his father.  The other day we needed to find some black powder.  Naturally, we dug into the possible bag. 

   The Possible Bag

Black Powder

—Mitchell Hegman

The Question Mark

I have a lot of questions about space.   The usual stuff.  Why is anything out there in the first place?  Why is gravity a thing?  Can I safety juggle knives in a parallel universe?

Apparently, space has questions about itself.  At least it has question marks.  The James Webb Space Telescope recently captured an image of a pair of actively forming stars known as Herbig-Haro 46/47.  But a detail at the very bottom of the frame captured even more attention.  An orange formation there has collected into the unmistakable shape of a question mark.  Scientists believe the punctuation mark is two or more galaxies merging in the periphery of the forming stars.  But is it?

The Question Mark

—Mitchell Hegman

Source: NPR

When Economics and Finance Sound Sexy

• Some nights, all I want is to have my interest compounded.
• I'd love to engage in a little quantitative easing with someone special.
• She possesses the kind of assets everyone wishes they had.
• For most people, it’s the measure of inflation matters.
• When feeling frisky, I enjoy a little slap on the supply side.
• Most people prefer a bit of fiscal stimulus before moving on to something more exotic.

—Mitchell Hegman

Shipped Home

If you know anything about Montana, you know we are known for winters that can be a little rough around the edges. Last year, Desiree experienced her first-ever winter in Montana. I will admit, it was a tough season here in the valley. We experienced cold and snow early on. "Our winters are not typically this brutal," I kept insisting. I am not totally certain I convinced her. Following our recent bout with snow as we head into this winter, Desiree is ready to be shipped back to her tropical island.

Desiree inside a Balikbayan Box

—Mitchell Hegman

A Sophisticated Rock Cleaner

In a dream, I found myself touring a construction site. A large commercial building was rising up from a plot of ground flayed open so pipes and wiring could be extended to and from the structure. I soon engaged in conversation with the owner of one of the contracting firms involved in earthwork for the project. "I'm struggling a little," the man admitted. "I’m down by one person on my crew. I need to hire a new sophisticated rock cleaner."

I had never heard of that job, and I asked, "What's a sophisticated rock cleaner?" Frankly, that sounded like the sort of job that might call me out from retirement.

Before the contractor could answer me, I suddenly flashed awake in my bed. I lay there for a considerable time, feeling somewhat cheated by another dream and wishing I knew what in the hell a sophisticated rock cleaner did for a living.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Great Flood of 2023

In all likelihood, you have not heard about the Great Flood of 2023. This is not because you are not paying attention, but rather because of the localized nature of the flood. As a matter of fact, the flood was confined to the common bathroom in my house.

Okay, I did it.

To keep this short and sweet: I left the water running in the vanity sink with the basin stopper in place. In properly functioning parts of the world, the sink's overflow will simply allow the water to harmlessly drain away rather than overfilling the basin and flooding the surrounding area. But we are talking about my house and not a normally functioning part of the world. So, the bathroom flooded.

Sometime after I turned on the water (and forgot about it), I found the bathroom flooded. This included completely filling both vanity drawers with water and causing my valuable stash of toilet paper under the sink to swell up like rising bread.

A Drawer Filled with Water

—Mitchell Hegman

No Longer Bound to This Sky

Linda is no longer bound to this dull sky of ours. Her new sky is brilliant—a Christmas sky, if you can imagine.

Christmas!

A great flock of white birds swings to follow Linda wherever she goes. The clouds never lay entirely across the sun. Best of all, the snow remains in the mountains, as it should.

Today, she is on her way to see all her loved ones. They are gathered at the pavilion where the holly grows.

This is the gift: to be together again.

For Linda Mook Scheid, who never let anything get in the way of love or friendship.

—Mitchell Hegman

Heavy Sounds in the Night

Something brought me upright from a deep sleep a bit after 2:00 AM last night. At first, I knew only that some inexact sound had awakened me. As I lay there, trying to figure out which way was up and which way Elvis went, a large yet weirdly muffled "whump" shook the house.

I rolled from bed, took a few steps, and listened nervously.

"Whump! Whump!"

I made my way to the hallway.

"Whump!"

And then it struck me. The warming temperatures were at work here. I had been awakened by heavy accumulations of snow sliding off my roof and hitting the ground. I am sharing a couple of late-night photographs of proof for your pleasure.

Heavy Snow

—Mitchell Hegman

The Elegant Art of Fishing

Tenkara fishing is making inroads with American fishermen. The practice of this style of angling can be traced back more than 400 years, when Japanese anglers caught cherry trout from clear mountain streams using bamboo rods tipped with horsehair lines tied to simple fly patterns.

This minimalist fishing method is defined by its limited line length, typically between 8 feet and 25 feet, with a tippet length between 3 and 5 feet long. When fishing, all of the line is paid out, and no mechanical reel is required. The rods range from 10 to 14 feet and telescope down (often to less than 2 feet in length) for ease of carrying.

Tenkara offers an unpretentious but elegant fly-fishing experience, free from the complications of mechanical wizardry and expensive gear. By embracing the graceful casting motion and feeling the fish's strike directly, anglers connect intimately with nature. Most importantly, a skilled angler will catch plenty of fish.

I am sharing a short video with an introduction to tenkara fishing.

—Mitchell Hegman

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2eeszkQoIk&t=27s

New Words

I think we need to add a few words to the English language. Following is a list of words I invented and would like to begin using:

Compelerating – A term to describe someone whom you love to watch in any kind of competition.

1. Filiplantress – A Filipina with loads of cash shopping for more plants.
2. Identedtee – Someone with a damaged identity.
3. Shewonky – A wonky girl.
4. Brattitude – A bratty kid with an attitude.
5. Unthankable – Someone deserving no thanks.
6. Inbetwiddling – Waiting for the next thing to happen.
7. Instantunious – When you recognize a song after hearing only two or three notes.

—Mitchell Hegman