1. European starlings, though a somewhat homely weed-bird, produce dramatic spectacles in the sky, often sweeping themselves into dark murmurations that roll and twist against the blue backdrop like reckless, mechanized clouds. Starlings were first introduced into North America by Shakespeare enthusiasts who assumed that we needed every sort of bird the Bard mentioned in his writings.
The starling is mentioned in Henry the IV. Early in the play, a starling is taught to say “Mortimer” repeatedly into the king’s ear as he sleeps as a way to keep him (the king, not the bird) crazy. Though the Americanized starlings do little more than click, rattle, and chip once in a while, they managed, nonetheless, to drive my uncle Stack quite mad also. He was regularly found under his apple tree swinging a broom in the air wildly, swatting starlings away from the feeder he kept for chickadees. Often, he said bad words.
These same literary-minded folks that introduced starlings into North America also introduced the idea that one should extend their pinky finger when drinking tea from a tiny cup. No documented motive for this extension of the pinky exists today. The male version of a modern-day Shakespeare enthusiast is often found “birding” while wearing a finely knit dickey. The dickeys are typically of an earthy tone. For no readily apparent reason, a project is presently underway to introduce Shakespeare enthusiasts into the Brazilian rainforests.
2. Some of the Republican candidates running for this nation’s highest office operate under the premise that bogus information, though clearly bogus, is actual information.
3. A young female cashier with nose piercings and a studded tongue is the surest way to distract me from properly checking my receipt for overcharges.
--Mitchell Hegman
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