Things That Would be True if I had My Way

Following is a list of things that would be true if I had my way:

• People who make a habit of littering would develop something called litter-bug syndrome, which causes them to constantly drop heavy objects on their toes.
• Stupidity would be curable.
• Gray-haired people (not blondes) would have more fun.
• Precious metal prices would respond favorably to my investments.
• Deer would prefer eating noxious weeds, and some bucks would sneak into your yard and plant flowers.
• Thirty dollars would be enough to live on for a week.
• Cars in front of you would always remember to use their turn signals—and actually turn.

—Mitchell Hegman