Possible Outcomes

Listed today is a run of possible outcomes for following your first instinct:

• You invent a new tool for extracting broken bolts.
• You end up flailing in mid-air and seeking a soft landing ten feet below.
• A new nickname is born: Smooth.
• Thirty years later, you remain perfectly happy in marriage.
• You find yourself pacing back and forth in a jail cell.
• At least your smartphone case proves its worth.
• You become briefly famous for something you would rather not have become famous for.
• You accidentally start a chain of events that ends with you owning a three-legged cat.

—Mitchell Hegman

Another List of Random Thoughts

Following is another modest list of my thoughts and attributes:

• My ability to solve problems is vastly surpassed by my ability to make them.
• If I were to become President, I would put forth only one executive order: a cease-and-desist mandate to force all grocers to stop putting stickers on fruit.
• If I were given the task of re-engineering the world, buffalo would have wings (making the restaurant chain reconsider portions), gravity would be adjustable, and eating Filipino food would cure a wide array of cancers.
• Catastrophic failure is always an option.
• I wish mice were magnetic so we could repel them (at velocity).
• In my estimation, psychotic should not have a silent “p” and should be pronounced “puh-sigh-KOT-ik.”

—Mitchell Hegman

Dumb Ideas

Following is a list of my dumb ideas (not in any particular order):

• Building a wooden ramp for jumping my Stingray bicycle without the use of nails or screws to hold it together.
• Transplanting a cactus without gloves.
• Keeping a pet tarantula in a terrarium with an unweighted screen on top of it.
• Using an extra dash of accelerant to start a fire.
• Keeping a pet tarantula.
• Dressing myself in the dark.
• Not watching the movie E.T. until fifteen years after its debut.
• Dressing myself.
• Throwing out my life-sized cardboard cutout of Salma Hayek.
• Checking to see if a fence was electrified by touching it.

—Mitchell Hegman

More Reasons to be Thankful

I’m thankful wings are not standard-issued equipment on spiders.

I’m thankful that my feet still reach the ground.

I’m thankful that mosquitoes are small enough to swat.

I’m thankful that gravity generally continues to work in my favor.

I’m thankful that fish don’t have hands.

I’m thankful that apple trees don’t slap me when I’m picking apples.

I’m thankful singing karaoke is optional, not required.

I’m thankful I’ve already proven two wrongs don’t make a right.

—Mitchell Hegman

More Phone Apps I would Like

Desiree and I recently upgraded to new smartphones. They came preloaded with a swath of apps and games we will never use. Vita Mahjong is one example. But that got me thinking about some apps I would enjoy having on my phone. Following is a list of those:

• A music app that converts songs you don't like into your choice of Stairway to Heaven or Knockin' on Heaven's Door.
• An app that locates the nearest bathroom.
• An app that emits a sound that will make ravens shut the hell up.
• A metal-cutting laser app.
• An app that remembers people's names for me.
• An app that makes hurt go away.
• An app that automatically slays spambots.
• An app that universally changes "creek" to "crick," the proper pronunciation for those of us who grew up in East Helena, Montana.
• An app that turns political arguments into recipes.

—Mitchell Hegman

Questions That Keep Me Awake at Night

• Why would anyone be mean to a turtle?
• If I was abducted by aliens, would they have a bathroom for me to use?
• Why is water wet?
• If ghosts walk through walls, why don't they fall through floors?

—Mitchell Hegman

What You Need to Know About Me

• If my last name were O’Keefe, my son’s name would be Keith O’Keefe.
• Let’s just say I have my own brand of logic.
• If I had my way, yellow cars would have a foul odor associated with them.
• I’m not 100% opposed to traveling the wrong direction on a one-way street.
• I sincerely believe this world would be a better place if everyone could juggle.
• I’m living proof that learning a second language is hard and potentially risky.
• I firmly believe that sometimes distance is there for a good reason.
• If given enough time, I can turn almost any conversation toward voles.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Laws of Shopping

• There is no such thing as too much parmesan cheese.
• If you walk down the potato chip aisle, you will be compelled to buy a bag of chips.
• Remembering to purchase the salad dressing will force an error elsewhere on the list.
• Whatever you bought last week is on sale this week.
• Some of the produce bags are purposely sealed shut on both ends.
• The shortest checkout line generally harbors someone with an item requiring a price check.
• The one item you entered the store specifically to buy will be the one item you forget.
• The cart with the squeaky wheel will always choose you.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Few Lesser-Known Facts

• Longhorn cattle are not born that way.
• Parallel parking was invented by someone with an unstable mind.
• People who like painting houses are the marrying kind.
• The truth doesn’t wear underwear.
• The world could last only 15 days without bacon.
• Every extension cord believes, deep down, that it is permanent.
• You can’t outrun a craving for potato chips.

—Mitchell Hegman

Observations After Turning Seventy

Observations After Turning Seventy:

• I’m headed in one direction; my memory has taken a side road.
• I had no idea how young forty was until I struck seventy.
• A single project in the yard can leave a trail of connected bruises on me.
• There is no substitute for lifelong friends.
• Spending my retirement stash is way easier than saving it.
• I will never outgrow rocks.
• It’s okay to tell your man-friend you love him; some things are better said out loud.
• Being loud is not a substitute for being correct.
• I now understand why naps were invented, and why they should be defended.

—Mitchell Hegman

Another Batch of Questions

• If, to save mankind, you had to eliminate one color from the visible spectrum, which color would you choose?
• When was the last time you impressed yourself?
• How many pennies can be found in the various catch-all places around your house?
• What is something you keep “just in case,” though you know that case will likely never arrive?
• Have you ever hidden something valuable in the freezer?
• What is your first thought when you see someone sporting a “Mom” tattoo?
• Is there anything hidden in your freezer right now?
• What household item do you own that has outlived its original purpose?
• What ordinary sound instantly pulls you back to a specific moment in your past?

—Mitchell Hegman

My Personal Wishlist for 2026

Following are a few modest things I want this year:

• I want to see somebody else named Mitch achieve worldwide fame, because we need more noteworthy Mitches.
• Bigger huckleberries.
• Give me one full month where I don’t either jam a finger, stub a toe, or bonk my head on something.
• If I have to cohabit with spiders, I want little, short-legged jumping spiders to replace all the creepy, all-legs-and-hair spiders in my house, because jumping spiders are as cute as arachnids get.
• Find a use for the roll of tar paper in my garage.
• I want to listen to Johnny Horton singing The Battle of New Orleans on an LP record while I watch the turntable spin, a stack of my Legos riding at its center, rotating along just as it did when I was seven or eight.
• See a change in internet query algorithms so Montana is not the first mention when I search for information on “aggressive house spiders.”
• Find an amendment in the governing rules that allows me to reach the end of a rainbow.
• Give me a morning when nothing needs fixing, explaining, adjusting, or improving, and everything is allowed to be exactly what it is.

—Mitchell Hegman

Buckets

 

I have a five-gallon bucket problem. And the problem is, I need more of them.

I would classify myself as “bucket reliant,” verging on “bucket obsessed.” While I have salvaged most of my buckets from construction sites and from products I purchased that came with them, I am perfectly willing (and have) purchased them outright at the hardware store.

What follows is an accounting of my buckets as of today:

• 2 buckets reserved for changing filters and water in my hot tub.
• 2 buckets for potting soil or collecting rocks.
• 2 buckets for hauling split lengths of firewood.
• 1 bucket for kindling.
• 1 bucket for chainsaw oil and assorted chainsaw appurtenances.
• 1 bucket for weed eater and chainsaw fuel.
• 1 bucket used as a utility trash can.
• 1 “roving” bucket that is presently being used for collecting ash from the woodstove.

And, on another list, five-gallon buckets place number two on my personal top three non-tool items of supreme utility, which goes as follows:

1. Duct tape
2. Five-gallon buckets
3. WD-40

As mentioned earlier, I need more buckets. I would like to have at least two more empty contingency buckets on hand, because experience suggests that an unassigned bucket is never unassigned for long.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Hundred Years of Baby Names

 Top 3 Girl Names in 2025 (Generation Beta)

1. Olivia
2. Amelia
3. Sophia

Top 3 Boy Names in 2025 (Generation Beta)

1. Noah
2. Liam
3. Oliver

Top 3 Girl Names in 1975 (Latchkey Generation)

1. Jennifer
2. Amy
3. Heather

Top 3 Boy Names in 1975 (Latchkey Generation)

1. Michael
2. Jason
3. Christopher

Top 3 Girl Names in 1925 (Greatest Generation)

1. Mary
2. Dorothy
3. Betty

Top 3 Boy Names in 1925 (Greatest Generation)

1. John
2. William
3. James

—Mitchell Hegman

New Year’s Resolutions

Given that a new year is ready to pounce upon us, I’ve made the following list of resolutions:

1. Kiss wifey one more time each day.
2. Walk through a health club to see what they look like inside.
3. Make and share a list of sharp objects that hurt me.
4. Finally make my way to Ekalaka, Montana, and have a look around.
5. Use the following words more often: sparkle, duplicitous, befallen, yes.
6. Spend more time sprawled out in a square of natural sunlight on my living room floor.
7. Buy more toothpicks.
8. Do one less stupid thing each day.
9. Come up with a better name than “ShamWow” for a super absorbent chamois cleaning cloth.
10. Devise an economic system in which I can thrive by just standing there looking at pretty flowers.

—Mitchell Hegman

More New Apps I Want

A few apps I would very much like to have:

• An app that makes people answer their phones instead of texting.
• An app that automatically replaces songs I don’t appreciate with shuffled Led Zeppelin songs.
• An app that changes “no” to “yes.”
• An app that helps me remember at least one good joke. Note: currently, I’ve got nothing.
• An app that leads to a cure for all forms of cancer.
• An app that makes peppers and mushrooms vanish from pizza.
• An app that pauses time for five minutes without anyone noticing, just long enough to find your glasses, keys, or train of thought.

—Mitchell Hegman

Normal, Not Normal

Normal: Watching a Korean cooking show featuring a Buddhist monk, dubbed in English, with my Island Wife.

Not Normal: Eating Korean Food.

Normal: Waking at 4:00 a.m.

Not Normal: Staying awake past 9:45 p.m.

Normal: Listening to Led Zeppelin on a nearly daily basis.

Not Normal: Listening to Jay-Z (ever).

Normal: Sipping on a Cold Smoke beer.

Not Normal: Drinking milk.

Normal: Measuring a trip in Montana by hours, not miles.

Not Normal: Expecting anything to be close by.

—Mitchell Hegman

Lessons on Aging

I’m what is politely referred to as a senior citizen. In theory, I was supposed to be filled with wisdom and grace by now.

Well, let’s just say both attributes are subjective. But I do have a few things I can share about occupying space as a senior:

• You’re never too old to find a new way to mash your thumb.
• Not being able to hear the oven’s timer sounding off can lead to secondary problems.
• One day, you will start marching around the house turning off lights while carping about the power bill, just as your grandfather did.
• You will buy dirt.
• Being generous makes actual sense.
• As far as heating your house in the winter goes, 80 is the new 70.
• You’ll finally have time to figure out why you have both salad forks and dinner forks.

—Mitchell Hegman

A Few Pluses

Here are a few pluses in my life at present:

• I’ve had a woodstove in the house for over a year now and have not burned myself.
• Last time I checked, both of my feet still reach the ground.
• We have enough caramel popcorn to last at least another week.
• The coffee maker has not staged an uprising in well over a month.
• I opened the fridge, forgot what I wanted, and still found something snack-worthy.
• I’ve learned to accept phrases like “limited lifetime warranty” and “free with purchase.”
• I’ve finally lost enough hair that I no longer need to worry about where to part it.

—Mitchell Hegman

Notes to Self

• Find more than one way home.
• Add something sweet.
• Don’t feed the monsters on Sunday nights.
• Use respect as your starting point.
• Don’t dress yourself so you look like a bee.
• Take more sunrise pictures.
• Borrow an old muscle car and spin a doughnut.
• Use smaller nails on trim.
• Own the days when you do everything and own the days when you do nothing.
• Use your words as thoughtfully as you would use permanent ink.

—Mitchell Hegman