Leap Day

The Earth does not run on a perfectly tight schedule and does not orbit the Sun in precisely 365 days. For this reason, every four years, a “leap day” must be added to the calendar to reckon our accounting. Today, February 29, 2024, happens to be such a day.

If we didn’t bother to make this small correction every four years, our days would gradually but inexorably ratchet back into the wrong seasons. Where I live, that’s a pretty big deal. Frankly, we already struggle enough with our winters not knowing or respecting their place on the calendar.

Now, spare a thought for those born on leap day. These mystical people technically celebrate a birthday only every 4 years. If we adhered to this technicality, such people would not be entering first grade until they were 20 of our years old. Obviously, that will not work. Instead, February 28 must stand-in for their birthday on other than leap years. Given all of this, happy birthday leap year babies!

—Mitchell Hegman

Brain Cramps

While shopping at the grocery store, I chanced upon a man who was essentially frozen in place before an expansive display of cheese. I immediately recognized the issue: he was suffering from a brain cramp (a loop of confusion).

Because I also get brain cramps, I have always thought I should have been equipped with a rest button on the back of my head. And I would appreciate it if someone pressed the button when they recognize I am having such a malfunction.

Thinking I might help the gentleman at the cheese display, I approached him and said, “Too darned many choices, huh? I avoid the potato chip aisle for the same reason.”

The man smiled and then mentioned something about one type of cheese producing excess oil if cooked in some manner. The important thing is our brief interaction reset his brain, and we both went on our way again.

Several minutes later, the same gentleman approached me. “I have a joke for you,” he suggested. “My granddaughter in Mississippi told it to me.” He then told me a joke about a mama chicken and her babies. The joke was rather cute, and I would love to share it with you, but I suffered my own brain cramp on the next aisle over and lost most of the joke to that.

—Mitchell Hegman

The Stray Cat: A Short Story

While walking home from work one evening, Judy came across a small black cat with white paws. The cat seemed skinny and a bit unkempt but mewed hopefully as Judy approached. “Hello, kitty,” said Judy. She stooped and stroked the cat’s flank.

Before long, Judy had scooped up the cat and continued walking, assuming it was a stray. “I’ll take you home, and maybe you can stay with me,” she told the cat.

Upon arriving home, Judy fed the stray cat some canned tuna and also gave it a bowl of water. Within a few minutes, both Judy and the cat were nesting together on the sofa. Not long after that, Judy dozed off. Once Judy was asleep, the cat extricated itself from the blanket and padded off to either find a pencil and paper for writing a thank-you note or find something soft to shred to pieces with its claws.

—Mitchell Hegman

Twisted Logic

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

—Margaret Mead

“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.”

—Ogden Nash

“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.”

—Samuel Butler

Things Needing More Research

Following is a list of things I would like to research a bit more:

• When is it acceptable to use a dinner fork on your salad?
• On a scale of pain ranging from 1 to 10, is the dry splitting on the end of my thumb really a 9.9 as I suspect it is?
• How did XOXO become 'hugs and kisses'?
• From an exclusively scientific standpoint, which is more egregious: singing out-of-tune or singing the wrong lyrics?
• Shaken or stirred?
• If all good things come to an end, what is the fate of bad things?

—Mitchell Hegman

I Said a Dumb Thing

I said a dumb thing while chatting with a couple of guys in a box store checkout line earlier this week. While mentioning the warming weather (read any temperatures above freezing here), I said, “It feels like spring.”

I was immediately greeted by dubious looks from the other parties. “Wait,” I quickly amended, “I’m a Montana native. I know where we are on the calendar, and I know winter never really leaves. I’m just suggesting it feels pretty good out there today. The snow is even melting a little bit.”

For the last couple of days, temperatures have been tickling at the fifties. I know there is a snowstorm ready to pounce on us sooner rather than later, but I’m telling you, it feels like spring. And I am not alone in this; I even spotted a moth fluttering around outside the house at dusk yesterday evening.

—Mitchell Hegman

Moon Landing

The Odysseus lunar lander successfully landed at a site close to the moon's south pole. The moon's south polar region has long intrigued scientists because water, in the form of ice, is thought to be relatively abundant in the region's permanently shadowed craters.

The Odysseus moon lander, nicknamed “Odie,” is part of a private lunar exploration mission led by Intuitive Machines, a private company. It involves collaboration with government agencies like NASA, leveraging their expertise and resources for mission success. This partnership reflects a growing trend of public-private cooperation in space exploration, advancing humanity's capability to explore and utilize celestial bodies beyond Earth. The spacecraft is designed to assess the lunar environment ahead of NASA's plan to return a crewed mission to the moon through the Artemis program in late 2026.

The current push toward the “privatization” of space will surely accelerate space exploration, which I find thrilling. At the same time, privatization may also hasten space “exploitation.”

Odie

—Mitchell Hegman