The Salma Hayek Landing Pad

Anyone who has known me for more than fifteen minutes understands that I have a crush on Salma Hayek.  I have certain “tells” that indicate my crush. One of the more notable tells is the regular use of her name in conversation.  Recently, as example, a friend and I were staring at the wires of an electrical widget-thingy, trying to figure out why it needed so many red wires, and I suddenly blurted out: “Whenever I confront complicated stuff like this, I think about Salma Hayek.”

“How does that help?” he asked.

“I didn’t say it helped.  That’s just what I do.”

Until the other day, I never gave consideration to actually meeting Salma.  She is an intolerably gorgeous Hollywood actress, after all, and I am, well, me.  I am not even a fully-developed regular guy.  I am short, have a conspicuous gap in my front teeth, and have recently acquired an inexplicable appreciation for the color chartreuse.

But I have a plan now.  My plan is to build a Salma Hayek landing pad on the level ground just off to the east side of my house.

I know what you are thinking: totally brilliant!

When Salma Hayek discovers that I have a landing pad constructed specifically for her, she will be compelled to use it.  Surely, you recall the movie Field of Dreams.  If a whole baseball team can appear in a baseball field carved from an Iowa cornfield, how far-fetched to draw one actress to a modest landing pad in the Montana foothills?

The real inspiration for my Salam Hayek landing pad came from an article my friend posted on Facebook.  She lives in Hawaii on the Big Island.  The people there are dedicating an 80-foot diameter landing pad for aliens.  The landing pad was formed naturally by a lava flow in 1983 and is conveniently located near Uncle Robert’s Kawa Bar in Kalapana.  The area will be called the Hawaii Star Visitor Sanctuary.  According to legend, the Hawaiian People first came to Earth from the constellation of Pleiades (Seven Sisters).  The landing pad is an invitation for the aliens to return.

Sounds as reasonable as anything else in this world.

I am not really sure how to go about fashioning my Salma Hayek landing pad.  Additionally, I am a bit strapped for resources at the moment.  I think I may simply mow a nice circle in the sagebrush and bunchgrass out there for starters.

Salma, are you watching?

--Mitchell Hegman 

Thanks to Ariel Murphy and the article by Nancy Cook Lauer!