I have some weird conversations with my 40 pounds of housecat when I am alone with them. Not really conversations. Obviously, they are only listeners, and not particularly good at that. My conversations mostly involve me carefully explaining things to them as they ignore me. Yesterday, for example, I had a conversation with Splash, 20 pounds of housecat. He seemed a bit miffed when I let him inside following a rather sudden volley of rain.
“Listen,” I said in an even voice, “I know that you don’t like rain. I get that. But we need rain. Rain makes stuff grow. Plant stuff, I mean. Now, I understand that you are not keen on plants, but mice like plants—they especially enjoy the seeds produced by plants. So we need rain for plants so you can have mice to chase around.”
I paused to allow my points to settle in. “You like to chase the shit out of mice, right?”
Splash offered a blank expression, turned, and walked away. I slowly ambled after him, continuing my oration. “Fish and birds are also fond of water. Just part of this whole life deal we have going on. And here is another important thing: rainwater is eventually a key ingredient in single malt Scotch. Therefore, I think we can safely say we all—me, you, and mice—have skin in the game, in a manner of speaking. Rain is good...so…you just run along and think about that.”
Splash stopped and pivoted his head to give me one of those see-through-you cat stares. I know what he was thinking. He was thinking that he will listen to me when food rains down directly from the sky. That’s when rain will matter.
NOTE: I really did have this conversation with Splash and he really did ignore me.