Behavior Menu for Today

At each station below, choose only one of the three listed actions and then progress to the next station.  Proceed to the end of the menu to determine your actions for the day.

 

Open:

1. A beer
2. Your heart
3. The door

 

And:

1. Drink hard
2. Continuously yell out: “I love all the little animals!”
3. Weep uncontrollably

 

Until:

1. Someone finds you and slaps you silly
2. You fall off the porch and assume a fetal position 
3. You hear voices in your head telling you eat fried liver and onions

 

And then:

1. Strip naked and prance down the road like a horsey
2. If you fell off the porch, you may exit this menu at this point
3. The urge to knit a purple turtleneck sweater strikes you

But in the next instant:

1. A UPS delivery truck appears on the horizon and approaches you
2. You realize you have no idea how to knit
3. Your mind goes blank

And now you are relieved because:

1. You never really wanted a purple sweater
2. You make for a pretty attractive naked horsey
3. It’s a brand-new day, a brand-new year, and you get to start over

—Mitchell Hegman